Collection
by moodiful819
Summary: A collection of humorous drabbles and oneshots featuring our favorite ninja and his pinkhaired medic. [rating varies from K to M.]
1. The Eloquent Speaker

Title: The Eloquent Speaker  
Rating: K+  
Genre: Humor/General  
Word count: 582  
Summary: Kakashi's gotten too smart for his own good.

Thank you to i-don't-have-a-name for the quotes. This one's for her!

_Don't own Naruto._

* * *

When Sakura watched Naruto barrel into the band of 12 missing nin with a smile on his face as Sakura and Kakashi struggled with their two, she was amazed, but confused. So after the battle as they walked with their backpacks on their back, Naruto a few feet in front of the two, she turned to him and asked why Naruto could do that.

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

Though a bit mean, Sakura could see the logic behind it. When you're smart, you have inhibitions. You're tentative because you know all the outcomes. When you're like Naruto, you just do it. With a nod of thanks, they continued on their way.

When Sakura was buried under the mounds of paper sitting on her desk (no doubt Tsunade was too busy sleeping to deal with the paperwork meaning it fell to her) and preparing for her multiple surgeries the day after, she found a small note taped to a small electronic device called a 'gameboy' reading:

"Don't let yourself forget what it's like to be sixteen."

Though she had never played with a gameboy when she was sixteen (which was three years ago), she decided to take his advice and play with the toy. Now if only she could figure out how the buttons worked…

When Sakura had called Kakashi for advice after Ino called her inviting her for a night out, he had just sat on her bed politely as she threw clothing out of her closet with mutters of 'no, no, nope.' And when she found a sleeveless black dress and asked if it was sexy enough, he simply smiled.

"Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it."

And he was right. She walked off with more phone numbers than Ino that night.

When she and Kakashi sat at Ichiraku one night, exchanging stories of old times, she asked why Naruto had won the match instead of Neji in the Chunnin Exams. Besides the lengthy (yet surprisingly interesting) lecture, he gave her this.

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

When Kakashi finally appeared in Tsunade's office (after two whole hours) with his mission report, Sakura asked him why as he got his paycheck, he smiled at her.

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."

And after the explanation, he ruffled her hair and disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

And when Sakura opened the drawer in Kakashi's hospital room (having just got back from a mission) for her birthday present only to find Icha Icha Paradise, she turned to the silver-haired man wearing his jounin uniform and looking in an orange paperback, she held up the book, cursing vehemently at him while slipping in the question of 'why', he simply turned the page before smiling at her benignly.

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

And with that, he handed her the real gift, a bouquet of roses, but he still recommended her to keep the book. Sakura simply rolled her eyes and walked out the door with both gifts in her hand.

She really shouldn't have given him that book of quotes for his birthday last year.


	2. The Let Down

Title: The Let-Down  
Rating: T (bordering M)  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Word count: 1,124  
Summary: This was not what they had expected when Kakashi's face was finally revealed.

_Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto._

* * *

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Maybe-dammit, that wouldn't work either.

With a defeated sigh, 19-yr-old Haruno Sakura gave up. There was just no way. There was no way she'd ever beat him!

It all started when Naruto came up with the idea that she and him should attempt to unmask him once more, for old time's sake. They would've included Sasuke, but he was still a missing-nin and they couldn't include Sai because he wasn't there the first time they tried and replacing Sasuke's rightful place with Sai for this was too cold. And so, the mission: Unmask Hatake Kakashi had begun.

It had been fun at first. Setting up the traps, staking out and watching their prey, reliving old memories when they were still genin and Sasuke was still here, but time passed and they could only watch on in shock and disappointment as he had simply side-stepped every attempt and trap they set for him.

Sakura had to wonder how that had happened. After all, some of those traps had been really good. Even some top-rank jounin fell for them (they apologized profusely to Neji and Tenten afterwards).

First had been the camera inside the Icha Icha Paradise book, but it got a picture of something else. (Naruto was still throwing up from the image.)

The second try was one they had tried before. They bought him a bowl of ramen at Ichiraku. It had worked, but then Ino barged in once more and in the fight, he had once again evaded their attempt (but Ayame had seen and paid the two of them with a free bowl). Oh well, at least it was just Ino and not Shikamaru and Chouji too.

The third try was similar to the one about paint before, but seeing how they would look suspicious with a can of paint and how much noise it would make, they decided a different route. They'd give him a nosebleed.

Really, he _was_ a pervert and perverts get nosebleeds when something sex-related is placed in front of them, but they probably shouldn't have used Jiraiya as their model. (That man could make anything dirty.) But they hadn't realized this until after they tried it.

And so, when Kakashi came for his physical, Sakura, clad in one of those naughty nurse outfits Naruto bought from an undisclosed (and she was glad of it) store, gave him his physical. It looked really nice actually, if you ignored the garter belts, plunging neckline that exposed her white bra and the fact it just barely covered her ass.

Unfortunately, it hadn't worked. Even with Naruto in that stupid jutsu of his helping her, it hadn't worked. Though he responded like any heterosexual male would, there was no nosebleed…at least, not from him. The janitors were mopping up blood all day that day at the hospital, the medics were taking care of the various shinobi suffering from blood-loss and the strange cases of broken limbs and people muttering about crazed bi-color-eyed demons.

The many tries afterwards weren't as colorful or embarrassing. After all, Sakura had threatened to castrate Naruto if he suggested something like that again or if one more guy pinched her scantily-clad ass. No, they mostly consisted of failed pitfalls and more attempts to see his face by treating him for food.

And after two whole weeks and a C-rank mission's paycheck (which could've have fed her for about a month), they had nothing to show for it. Sakura groaned in distaste and let her head fall back on the set of steps she sat on when she opened her eyes and screamed. "Ahhh!"

"Am I really that scary, Sakura-chan?"

"Kakashi, you're about as scary as Yamato's scary face. Only Naruto would be afraid."

"But if I remember correctly, you screamed when I glared at you."

"I was twelve and you had special effects on your side. You made storm clouds appear from nowhere, Kakashi! Nowhere!"

Kakashi simply chuckled and sat on the steps beside her. "So…care to tell me what you and Naruto are up to this time?"

She might as well tell him. It wasn't like they were getting anywhere. "We were trying to unmask you."

"Again?"

"Yes, again."

"…you could have just asked."

Sakura stared at him incredulously and felt him close her mouth for her. She shook her head. "You're serious?"

"Yes…" he said, his tone hinting that he was questioning her sanity at the moment.

"Then what's under your mask?" she asked excitedly before realizing something. "Are you just going to show me that mask you keep under your mask again?" she asked, glaring in annoyance.

"No." She looked at him skeptically and he sighed and rolled his eyes, muttering of how his students had such little faith in him before tugging down the fabric.

Sakura watched the fabric descend and held her breath. This was it. This was what she had been waiting seven years for. She watched the mask pool around his neck and looked at his face. He had a strong jaw line, his nose was straight, his skin was pale, his lips were thin, but full, and a lone scar ran down his eye. Sakura blinked. "Eh? That's it?"

Kakashi frowned. Now that Sakura saw the feared (yes, he was something to be fear, but only when angry) Hatake Kakashi frown along with the peeved look on his face, she nearly burst out laughing. It was just too cute!

"What?" He raised a hand to rub his chin. "I thought I had a rather nice face."

"You do, but we all expected you to have fish lips or beaver teeth or kissy lips!"

Kakashi's eye twitched slightly. "Kissy lips?"

"Yeah. Now that I see your face, I'm a bit disappointed."

"Kissy lips?"

"I just spent the last seven years wondering what you looked like under there, thinking you had some horrid disfigured face when it was completely normal!"

"Kissy lips?"

Sakura patted his knee. "Well, thanks for showing me your face, Kakashi. I'm going to find Naruto and tell him the news now. See ya!" she said over her shoulder as she bounded onto the rooftops.

Kakashi stared at the dirt in front of him, stunned. "Kissy lips?" He turned. "Hey Sakura…" But her spot was empty and he suddenly became aware of the eyes staring at him.

Pulling up his mask, he cleared his throat and pulled out his small orange novel and began walking down the street thinking of how disappointed he was at her reaction before turning the page and giggling.


	3. Tambourine

Title: Tambourine  
Rating: M (for the song Tambourine by Eve and the ending)  
Genre: Humor/ Romance, I guess?  
Word Count: 1,555  
Summary: He got way in over his head when he walked onto the dance floor and just what the hell was a tambourine?

_Disclaimer: Don't Own Naruto or the song._

* * *

Music flooded the small corner street bar as the speakers pumped out a bass line and people jumped onto the dance floor. In the moving lights, you could make out the various faces of people and in the corner opposite the room from the dance floor sat a familiar shinobi, alcohol in his system as he gazed out on the dance floor. Who was this man? Why, none other than our lovable Copy Nin, Hatake Kakashi.

Kakashi watched from his small booth, a small dish in his hand as Gai and Genma roared in laughter around him, both fairly soused from the alcohol courtesy of the communal bottle in the middle of the table. He turned his head to the other two at the table, Iruka and Raidou. Strange, seeing how Raidou usually never came to these get-togethers and Iruka rarely touched alcohol. Then again, maybe his upcoming wedding with Ayame, the ramen girl, had something to do with it.

_You gotta shake your ass!_

As he raised the dish close to his lips and his other hand grabbed his mask, the music changed and out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of pink. Focusing his eye, he watched the purple light flash over the crowd and for a brief moment, he saw a woman with her hair in a ponytail, eyes closed as she rocked her body to the rhythm of the music. The blue light flashed off her gold bangles and she opened her eyes to writhe within the group of people in the dance floor.

_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and..._

_Shake your tambourine; go and...  
_

Kakashi outright stared at the woman dancing on the dance floor. That could not be Sakura. Sweet, innocent, adorable (and slightly prudish) Haruno Sakura, but sure enough, in the flash of white light from above, the pink hair and beryl eyes confirmed it was indeed his former student.

_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._

The music reached him through the haze of alcohol clouding his mind. It was some foreign song. Though he understood every word the singer spoke, he couldn't understand it. He knew a Maserati was a car and that a tambourine was a musical instrument, but he felt like tambourine meant something else here. That being said (or rather, thought), what the hell was a tambourine?

_E.V.E. come through in da Maserati  
Doin it big like I live in da Taj Mahal,  
talk shit, and I don't get in da blah da blah  
ha, dats why dey lovin, ahh_

_dats real, when da chick dat they talk about  
goddamn is da words dat come out dey mouth  
she look good always, without a doubt  
ask for her, she back and cakin out_

He watched her move. She was surprisingly graceful, though that was probably due to the fact she was a kunoichi. Her moves were fluid and her lids were lowered as she rocked her hips.

His mind reeled as he tried to link this image of Sakura to the one he had known since she was a genin, but it was impossible. There was absolutely no way that former-Uchiha-Sasuke-lover-and-now-workaholic-medic Haruno Sakura be related to the woman who was moving her body in ways that he had only seen in dreams. Suddenly, her eyes locked with his and the front of his pants became less roomy than he remembered.

_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
_

If Genma or the others noticed his discomfort, they didn't show it. Probably too drunk off their asses to even remember their names, let alone notice.

She crooked a finger, beckoning to him and his breath hitched at the sultry look in her eye. She moved away from her current partner to give him a flirty smile, and though his mind screamed at him to stop, to exercise his legendary self-control and remember his morals, his legs moved, his morals forgotten and his self-control drowned in liquor.

_So they be watchin while we wiggle around  
look at dem droolin, niggrs ain't used to dis sound_

_I keep em movin, all ma ladies put ya hands in da air_  
_it's all right now we gonna keep you on ya feet da whole night now_  
_pop dem bottles, yea drink dat up man_

_got you feelin crazy yea dat was da plan_  
_waitin for me wasn't ready for dis_  
_he got da game sewn up, know I'm talkin bout Swizz_

_yeah I know u wanna fight it but why would you try_  
_we got dem shakin everything from da hood to Dubai_  
_yea we do it big man why would we lie?_

He stepped onto the dance floor, dodging the men and women grinding against each other and stood before her awkwardly. She chuckled and smiled up at him. "Aren't you going to dance?"

He grunted unintelligently, lost in her scent. Jasmine and something else. He couldn't exactly name it, but it was her. When he noticed her looking at him, he coughed. "Oh yeah. Right."

He moved his legs and arms and tried to do what everyone else was doing, but his motions were too angular. After a minute of public embarrassment, he gave up. He failed; she laughed.

"Can't you dance?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered.

"Really?" she asked skeptically.

"Salsa, tango, waltz, I can even do lindy-hop, but this," he said motioning to the crowd, "is beyond me."

Sakura covered her mouth as she laughed, saying something about his sharingan before pressing her body against his, arms reaching behind her to intertwine behind his neck.

_c'mon... (1, 2, 3 everybody!)_

Her body pressed against his and he bit back a groan as her hips rolled against him. She looked back at him when she noticed him not dancing. "Just follow the beat, sensei. Let go." And despite his better judgment, despite how his breathing was becoming a bit labored and something other than alcohol was fogging his mind, he let go.

_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
_

He began moving his hips in time with hers, inwardly smiling as she hummed and writhed against his chest. Smiling, she pressed her hips against him and smiled at his sharp intake of air, but gasped when he grabbed her hips and ground into her body.

_Get low, get low then pick up, pick up  
Get your hands in the air it's a stick-up, stick-up_

_Shake your tambourines move it quicker, quicker_  
_Shake it down in town get the pitch up, pitch up_  
_Shake it shake it to the floor, gotta love dat_  
_How she keep it goin' on you know you love dat_

_Shake it shake it to the floor you gotta love dat_

_get ya ass on da dance floor_

_dance on da dance floor_

_move em out da way_  
_if they ain't doin it how you want y'all_  
_you ain't gotta ask me_  
_c'mon, don't need my permission_  
_y'all heard, what you waitin for?_

_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._  
_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._  
_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._  
_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._

Sakura turned to face him, fisting her hands in the front of his vest and grinned at him. "Say, Kakashi…"

"Huh?" he asked distractedly.

"Will you play my tambourine tonight?" she asked. He grinned under his mask. He still had no idea what tambourine meant, but he had a feeling he was going to like it.


	4. The Agreement

Title: The Agreement  
Rating: K+  
Genre: Humor/Drama  
Word Count: 488  
Summary: Some things are better left under the rug…or forgotten in a drunken haze. (Inspired by beautyinsleep's Stake)

_Disclaimer: Do Not Own Naruto_

* * *

"Well, this is awkward."

"…"

"Come on, it isn't all bad."

"…says you."

"No, really. It isn't."

A pause, and then, "This is all your fault."

An incredulous look crosses his face. "My fault?" he asks, a finger pointing to himself as his mind reels with the words.

"Yes. Your fault!" the woman across from him shouts before she crosses her arms across her chest and glares at him.

"How is it my fault?"

"I don't know! It just is! You're the one who told me to do this. You even told me that for my sake, you were going to join!"

"And?"

"And? This is your fault, old man!" Beryl eyes flash dangerously in the dim lights of the bar.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the woman running this little program pick the couplings?"

"Yes…"

"And wasn't it you that came to me, talking about how Ino told you that you have no social life outside the hospital and you asked if I thought it was true?"

"Yes, but…"

"And didn't you agree to my suggestion?"

"Yes, but only because you said you'd join with me so I didn't feel alone!" she screams.

"Sakura-chan, people are staring," the man smiles before sipping his glass of water.

"I don't care," Sakura mutters and tiredly props her hand up and rests her head in it. "I still can't believe I wound up with you, of all people!"

"I'm hurt, Sakura-chan. Do you really think that low of me?"

She looks up and starts to shake her hands in chorus to her head. "No, of course not. It's just…it's just…why you, sensei?"

Kakashi looks up and thinks. "It is a bit strange…" he agrees.

"Something must be wrong with those surveys we took."

"Or maybe a higher power has deigned that the two of us should pursue a romantic relationship and spawn, thus procreating the species. Granted, it won't be much, but I'd like to think I contributed to the world somehow."

Silence. He draws circle in the small pool of water by his finger. "So…see any good movies yet?"

She shakes her head and begins to rub her temples. "I can't believe you just said that."

"You know, I can't believe I said that either."

She nods and looks up at him. "Let's agree to never speak of this again."

"Agreed. Want to grab a beer?"

"Okay."

And the two walk out of the small bar, past the sign tables of other couples, past the woman smiling with fake cheer and a bell in her hand, and to the bar just two blocks down and across the street, completely ignoring the sign that stood by the door saying _Singles Night Tonight, Speed Dating!_


	5. Act Your Age

Title: Act Your Age  
Rating: K+  
Genre: Humor/ slight Romance  
Word Count: 401  
Summary: The person who said you're only as old as you feel, should have been shot.

_Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto._

* * *

It was a sunny, blue-skied day when Ino asked, "Hey Forehead, how old do you think your sensei is?"

When Sakura opened her mouth to reply, she found her mind blank. Truth be told, she wasn't exactly sure. "I don't know."

The man named Hatake Kakashi was a mystery to say the least. Sometimes, he acted with the wisdom of old man (but she doubted he was 60), and sometimes, he acted like an immature 6-yr-old brat and she was sure that if she averaged the two numbers together, it wouldn't be his age.

Hours later, as she walked alone in the training fields, she began to think. _'Maybe his medical records?'_ But those weren't a reliable source. They hadn't been updated in years and his birth date had been smudged by split coffee from a medic five years ago.

Thinking back, he looked to be in his twenties, but he could've been one of those few people that were old, but looked young, so maybe he was in his thirties when she was a genin. When she first met him, he didn't exactly act twenty, he acted like a perverted 30-yr-old and still acted the same to this day.

He couldn't be forty because his hair wasn't graying (but then again, with his hair already grey, it'd be hard to tell). He definitely wasn't fifty since he was still going on high-ranked missions and getting cut up all the time.

And she continued to think about his possible age as she walked, pondering this age or that one, only to be shot down by her practicality or her medical know-how. And so, when he appeared before her, his voice unusually high and his gait awkward as he sweated and fidgeted and tugged on his mask, asking if they could get a drink together or something in a round-about way, she snapped.

"Dammit, Kakashi! First you go around acting like your sixty, then six, then thirty, then twenty-something, and now you're acting like some love-sick teen! Act your damn age!"

And as Kakashi watched the girl stomp away, leaving craters in her wake, he had to wonder what he had done recently to upset her so much.


	6. The Examination

Title: The Examination  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/ Drama  
Word Count: 957  
Summary: Kakashi, for all his genius, forgot one very important part of the exam.

_Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto._

* * *

Haruno Sakura stood at her desk as she neatly stacked a bunch of patient files in the hospital. She liked her job as a medic. She helped people and she always had a challenge for her, whether it be an arm with its chakra system cut or a splinter.

She also had a wonderful view. Outside her window, she could see a bird fly over the Hokage monument and fellow shinobi bound over rooftops in the clear blue sky. She smiled to herself as she tucked away the folders in a file cabinet and looked up as a nurse said her first patient of the day had arrived.

Sakura thanked the girl and walked purposefully through the halls that bustled with visitors and orderlies carrying papers. Today's workload wouldn't be too hard. Just a few physicals and a few follow-ups.

The twenty-yr-old turned to the third door on her left and walked into the room.

This room was like all the other examination rooms. White cabinets over white countertops, various accoutrements inside clear containers, and near the middle of the room, the examination table and on it, her first patient of the day.

"Hello Kakashi."

The 34-yr-old man looked up and smiled. "Yo."

She walked into the room and began writing in his file. "Any reason as to why you've decided to grace the hospital with your presence?"

"Tsunade-hime said if I didn't get my physical this year, I wouldn't get mission for the rest of the year."

"But it's April," she said over her shoulder.

"I know."

Sakura turned back to face him. "Alright, take off your shirt."

Kakashi nodded and began to shed his jounin vest and shirt and sat still as she examined his heart and lungs before following the small flashlight. The light flashed into his ears and his eyes before she said to take off his mask. He obeyed; after all, she'd seen his face already during a drunken bender. Seeing how she didn't really seem to care afterwards, he trusted her enough to reveal his face when they were alone together like talk at her apartment or medical visits at his.

As she shined the light down his throat and asked him to do a few other menial things, he asked, "Will this take long?"

"Why? Do you have something better to do?" she replied, scribbling something into his file.

"Yes. People to kill, books to read."

"I doubt Icha Icha could be classified as 'something better to do'."

"Maybe to you, but it's my 'something better to do,' though I will forgive you for that insensitive comment if you hurry this up," he said with a smile.

Sakura looked at him skeptically. "Have I really hurt you with my comment?"

"You've irreparably scarred me with your callousness."

"Really?" she asked with mirth.

"I believe you're getting a kick out of this."

"Well, if I've scarred you with my words, shouldn't I expand my sadistic endeavors?"

"I didn't realize I was talking with Ibiki," he replied and she matched him with ease. "I doubt that Ibiki would wear pink lipstick," she commented before pulsing chakra through his legs and murmuring about his reflexes.

"Besides, you send children crying to their mothers everyday with you reading that book in front of them and you don't seem to mind emotionally scarring them."

"They're young; they'll manage. I'm an old man; I get my entertainment where I can."

"You're 34," Sakura reminded, telling him to stand.

Kakashi stood and shed his pants and sandals at her medical order before she frowned and gave him a medical gown to change in. He sighed and did as he was told. The faster he complied, the faster he could possibly get out and read, drink, do anything, but be in a hospital. As pleasant as it sounded to be in a small room with the smell of bleach and other questionable liquids, he had other things to do…like be somewhere else…or read Icha Icha.

"Walk from here to the door and back."

He nodded deftly and walked to the door and on his way back, he asked, "So how's being a medic?"

"It's alright," she said noncommittally before writing something in the file. Just what was she writing? "Why do you ask?"

"Kill time."

"You can't just care about your former student?" she asked with a raised brow.

"I could, but I'd like to treat everyone fairly."

"By not caring about them in general," she said cynically.

He smiled beneath the mask now resting on his face. "Exactly."

With a roll of her eyes and a disapproving 'Hmm,' she told him to stand against the wall and measured his height before measuring his weight.

"Okay, you're 181 cm and 67.5 kilograms," she told him and wrote the measurements in his file and turned to Kakashi who grinned gleefully. "So I'm done, right?" he asked, already in the middle of grabbing all his clothes together.

"You're very eager," she said with a hidden smirk under her smile, a malicious glint in her eyes. Unfortunately, he was already tugging his shirt over his head. "Hmm."

"But…"

He looked up from his shirt (having put it on inside-out by mistake and was currently correcting the problem). "Hm?" he asked.

"You forgot something, Kakashi-sempai," she said sweetly.

Kakashi looked up in slight confusion when he heard the loud 'snap' of a rubber glove and his back tensed.

Sakura smiled at him sweetly, a small tube in one hand, the glove adorning the other. "I still need to do your prostate exam."


	7. Curiosity Killed the Cat

Title: Curiosity Killed the Cat  
Rating: M for Genma.  
Genre: Humor/ Drama  
Word Count: 1,075  
Summary: This was entirely _his_ fault.

Disclaimer: Don't Own Naruto

* * *

This was his fault. This was entirely his fault. Dammit, why had he let him talk him into this? Sure, it seemed innocent enough. Genma invited him for a walk to the bar. Normally, he'd just go by himself, but Genma said that if he did, he'd pay. He should've realized that right then and there, he was in trouble.

So they started walking, talking about recent missions and showing off their various new scars when Genma made a left turn. Normally, they'd go right, so when he asked what Genma was doing, the man just said he was just going to do something first. When he asked what, the senbon-sucking man simply grinned and asked if he was coming. Curious as to what Genma was doing (he'd never snuck around like this), he said yes.

The two walked down the street, only two blocks away from where he agreed to come when he saw a familiar bush of white hair and Genma grinned. "Hey Jiraiya!

Jiraiya turned back with a glare. "Keep it down! Do you want to get your ass skewered that badly, Shiranui?" he hissed before turning to the other man. "Kakashi? This is a surprise? Did you come to join us? I knew you'd come around one day. After all, you're my number one fan."

But before Kakashi could reply, Genma and Jiraiya were already crouched together in a bush peering into the hole in the fence. Steam rolled up and the familiar tickle reached his ears along with snippets of conversation. Just where was he? Why none other than one of Jiraiya's favorite research areas: the women's baths.

Genma and Jiraiya giggled incessantly as they stared through the small peephole in the wooden fence. Kami, how could a sannin and an exam official be reduced to a bunch of school girls so easily?

Kakashi sighed, one hand over his chest as the other one was cradled by his arm at the elbow and his fingers touched his hitai-ate. "Genma, I'm gonna head over to the bar now."

"Huh? Yeah, sure," Genma said before waving his friend off. The jounin simply sighed once more and began his journey to the bar, his ears still hearing Genma's lewd comments such as 'Look at the rack on that chick!' or 'Man, I wanna tap that ass' or the simple 'Da-a-amn.' He was only fifty feet away when Genma began a detailed fantasy of one of the woman bathing, the scratching of Jiraiya's pencil in the background when he heard it. "-and then I'd bury my hands in that girl's…PINK HAIR?"

Quick as a flash, Kakashi appeared by the gaping duo. "What?"

"You got here awful fast," Jiraiya noted.

"I'm serious, Hatake. Pink hair." Genma stole another peek. "Damn, you have one hot former student on your hands."

Kakashi shook his head, clearing the shock form his system. "It could just be a woman with her hair dyed pink."

"Well, if she did dye it, she dyed it down there too," Genma said with a lecherous grin.

"Well, in any case, it can't be Sakura," Kakashi stated. Genma just nodded absentmindedly and licked his lips. "Well, whoever she is, she has a real nice ass."

"Says the guy who will fuck anything that wears a skirt," Kakashi snorted. Jiraiya grinned. "I think I have my latest book. Man and his best friend see the man's old friend. The best friend wants to do her, the man wants to protect her. Very good. Keep going."

Genma scowled. "Not true. I don't do guys."

Jiraiya looked up. "But I thought you and Raidou...last Christmas."

"We were both drunk," Genma countered.

"You still did him," Kakashi pointed out and Genma grumbled something under his breath. Jiraiya looked up from his notepad. "Anyway, Kakashi, aren't you curious about the girl? I mean, pink hair has to make you think of your student and you have got to be wondering if it really is her or not."

Jiraiya had him there. He was curious. Not about how great her body looked, but if it really was his student in there. That way, he'd know if he should beat the shit out of Genma or not.

Kakashi walked over to Genma who looked up and scootched over for him. The silver-haired man squatted down and peered into the hole.

The bath was rather empty, the only person inside being the pink-haired woman (he'd say Sakura when he was sure it was Sakura). Through the steam, he could make out the entrance to the changing room and the rock formations. Sitting against one of rocks was the pink-haired woman. Her eyes were closed and pink strands peeked out from under her white towel. Her expression was serene and he watched through the rising stream as a water droplet rolled from her shoulders down her collarbone, down pale skin, to fall into the valley of her breasts and become part of the pool once more. Curiously, he was more curious about how that pale skin would taste more than how wrong it was to be thinking of his former student this way.

Lost in his thoughts, he hadn't noticed the shadow clone disappear or the shadow creeping just on the other side of the fence until a beryl eye stared into his and he felt his Adam's apple bob. The eye flashed with anger.

"Kami! Dammit Jiraiya, I thought we told you to stop looking into the women's baths! And you better stop writing or drawing or whatever you're doing!" The scratching of the pencil behind him suddenly stopped and Sakura's voice continued. "Just wait until I tell Tsunade about this!" Suddenly, a tree branch snapped and they all looked up to see Genma's face fall.

"Shit," he muttered under his breath and jumped down just in time to escape the wrath of Sakura's chakra-laden fist. "Kami-sama; run, Hatake!"

Kakashi watched Genma run, Jiraiya already leaving them to literally eat his dust, and heard Sakura's indignant cry. "Kakashi-sensei? You were peeping on me too! Argh!"

And he ran away from the baths just as the fence exploded into sawdust and splinters and Sakura, clad in only a towel, chased after him.

Curiosity killed the cat. Luckily, Kakashi wasn't a cat…

"Come back here, Kakashi!" Sakura screamed as she demolished yet another tree in her path. Kakashi's eye widened and he pushed his legs to run faster.

…but he still might die anyway.


	8. Getting Older

Title: Getting Older  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Word Count: 430  
Summary: With age comes wisdom.

Note: Just a small birthday fic for our favorite ninja. It's pretty random and has a hint of satire and I'm not entirely pleased with it, but this idea wouldn't stop harassing me. Anyway, happy birthday, Kakashi-sama! :3

Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Lethal Weapon where the quote came from.

* * *

When he turned one, his father gave him a stuffed animal he got on his way back from a mission for his birthday.

When he turned four, he was shoved into the mud by one of the older kids of the academy.

When he turned 10, he tasted enemy blood in his mouth for the first time.

When he turned 12, he had his first sip of alcohol and woke up to his first-hangover the next morning.

When he turned 13, he met his eternal rival and suffered irreparable emotional scarring afterwards.

When he turned 15, he lost his virginity to a prostitute in the Land of Waves.

When he turned 16, he led his first Anbu mission and lost half of his six-man team from an ambush during their short-lived premature celebration on a mission well done.

When he turned 18, he found himself in a darkened jail cell with iron prods burning the skin of his thighs.

When he turned 21, he seduced a man for the first time for an A-ranked assassination mission.

When he turned 27, Sakura got her first period and with her parents gone on vacation and every female jounin he knew on a mission, he was left to deal with the mess (both metaphorically and physically).

When he turned 30, he ran around the village naked (save for his mask and hitai-ate) after losing a challenge to his eternal rival.

And now, he sat in his seat in a small corner booth at the back of a shinobi-hangout/ bar as he celebrated his 35th birthday.

The smell of cigarettes and liquor reached his nose as massive amounts of perfume stung at his eyes. Fingers grabbed and clutched his clothing as male shinobi gave him envious glances and he could only roll his eyes as an inebriated Anko, Kurenai, Ino, and Tenten propositioned him while his 19-yr-old ex-student, Haruno Sakura squirmed in his lap, positioning a cheesy party hat over his mop of silver hair as she giggled and kissed whatever part of him was left open to her. And with a tired heavy sigh, he quoted a very wise man.

"I'm too old for this shit."


	9. Straight as an Arrow

Title: Straight as an Arrow  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/General  
Word count: 903  
Summary: The repercussions were inevitable once his sexual preferences were called into the question.

In explanation for the end, when they are fired at a target, the shaft wobbles in the air. (proven on an episode of _Mythbusters_.) Inspired a line in Keeping Your Nerve by ShipperTrish.

* * *

"I think he's straight."

"No way, Raidou. The man is completely gay!"

"Just because he doesn't fuck everything with a hole and boobs, doesn't mean he's gay, Genma."

"Haha Anko, but the guy is completely gay. He hasn't touched a girl in half a year now and he's been hanging around us guys a little too long, if you know what I mean."

Anko rolled her eyes in the dim lights of the bar. They were sitting at the usual booth with the usual group of people: Iruka, Kurenai, Raidou, Genma, Gai, and herself.

"Izumo and Kotetsu are always around each other, but it doesn't mean they're gay," Iruka reasoned.

"Actually, they are gay. We all found out at last year's Christmas party," Raidou reminded, shuddering at the memory of seeing the two in the act inside of a broom closet.

"Oh right."

"See, that proves it!" Genma exclaimed, his senbon perched precariously at the corner of his mouth.

"Would you guys stop talking about me like I'm not here?"

Oh right, Kakashi was there too.

Gai clapped Kakashi's shoulder, the spandex-clad man's voice bellowing in his ear. "We are sorry, my youthful rival, but it is within our youthful behavior as an endeavor to question you on your youthful endeavors."

"Discussing my sex life should not be a considered an endeavor of youth, Gai."

"Whatever," Anko said dismissively. "What do you think, Kurenai?" she asked the single mother.

"I think he's more into his books than the real thing." At the glare sent her way, she put her hands up to show no harm. "Sorry, Kakashi, but we almost always see you with your nose buried in that book and it makes a person wonder…"

"What about you, Iruka?"

At this, everyone turned to the Academy teacher expectantly and he shrank into his seat slightly. Reaching up, he tugged on his shirt collar and cleared his throat. "I think he's bisexual."

"Iruka!"

The brown-haired man flinched. "Sorry, Kakashi, but you do seem to-"

"No way!" interrupted Genma. "There is no way he's bi!"

Anko tapped her chin, head held high as she mulled over the words and pondered thoughtfully. "Actually, it does make sense…"

"You know, you might be onto something," Kurenai murmured.

"Now that I think about it…"

"Not you too, Raidou!" Genma shouted in exasperation. Gai laughed heartily and clapped his rival on the shoulder once more, face slightly flushed from his consumption of alcohol. "See my rival, we have now figured out your youthful path. Don't be ashamed; be proud of your youthful path!"

"But-"

"I still think he's gay," said Genma, sulking in his seat.

"I'm not gay!"

"Then you admit you're bisexual," Anko quipped.

"I'm not bi!"

Raidou placed his hand on Kakashi's other shoulder and sighed. "Kakashi, there's a time in every man's life when he has to admit he's-"

"I'm not gay or bi and before you ask, I am not limited to my books, Kurenai."- The ruby-eyed woman quickly shut her mouth at the edge to his tone-"I'm straight. I repeat: I. Am. Straight."

Anko scoffed and Genma roared in laughter with the rest of the table as Gai tried to calm and reassure his seething rival. Even Iruka had to stifle a small snicker.

Kakashi slammed his book onto the table, effectively halting the laughter. "Stop it. I'm straight-"

"Straight as an arrow?" questioned Genma.

"Straight as an arrow and I'm going to prove it," stated Kakashi as he slid from their booth. Anko shared worried glances with her table. "Wait, Kakashi. We were just kidding. You don't have to-"

"Yes, I do. You've made it perfectly clear that I have to," he said as he walked with purpose towards the bar counter.

A light-haired woman chatted with her friend as she spun the half-empty glass in her hand. She felt a small tap on her bare shoulder and turned her seat and opened her mouth to ask when she felt lips crushed upon hers, the hands on her arms stopping her from escaping as she felt their owner plunder her mouth and steal her senses away.

When they finally released her and she regained use of her brain, eyes half-lidded and a dreamy smile on her face as her blonde companion spluttered in the chair beside her, she looked up to see her former sensei fixing the corners of his mask. She gave him an indulgent smile. "What was that for?" she asked, her voice slightly breathless.

He chuckled softly, the laugh slightly dry from lack of air. The 33-yr-old never widened the small gap between them as he spoke. "I was proving to my friends that I was as straight as an arrow," he explained, swallowing as he tried to refill his lungs with air once more.

Sakura chuckled, her beryl eyes sparkling in the lights above them. "But sensei, don't you know?" she asked with a sultry smile.

"Know what?" he asked softly and he leaned forward to meet her as she whispered into his ear:

"_Arrows wobble when fired." _


	10. Damnation

Title: Damnation  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/General  
Word count:  
Summary: He never had a chance.

Inspired by nostalgic-maiden's Red from **Of Cherry Blossoms and Copy Cats**

* * *

"Look at him, poor guy."

"I know."

"He never stood a chance."

"How could he have?"

"He was doomed from the start."

"Ever since he stepped foot into the room."

"Pathetic."

Both Kurenai and Anko nodded to their superior, Tsunade as they sat at their table and raised their glasses for a toast of agreement before turning to the subject of their discussion.

Hatake Kakashi, 34-yr-old jounin and ex-Anbu captain, stood at the east wall of the bar talking to his companion. His legs were deftly crossed as he rested his left forearm against the red wall to prop himself up as another quip sent his friend into giggles. Anyone looking at the scene would've thought him to be in casual conversation with the petite woman beside him, but his friends knew different. His shoulders were slightly tensed and his spine was straightened. A thin sheen of sweat was visible on his brow and his posture betrayed a slight sense of nervousness and the three women knew why.

It was because of her.

Haruno Sakura, 20-yr-old apprentice of Tsunade and fellow jounin to Mitarashi Anko and Yuuhi Kurenai, stood just under Kakashi's left arm as she smiled and laughed and threw back her own witty banter to the copy-nin. With her skill, she was a woman to be reckoned with, but it wasn't that she could hold her own that had done him in, it was what she wore.

Encasing Sakura's body was every woman's must-have: the little black dress. Hers was a spaghetti-strap dress that hugged each of her curves to stop mid-thigh, accompanied by a pair of black heels that accentuated the length of her legs. Around her neck was a gold necklace and pair of matching earrings, along with the gold hair ornament in her messy bun. With the red lipstick that made her lips sheen and her natural blush, it was a recipe for disaster and he fell for it.

And as Tsunade, Kurenai, and Anko watched the painful scene, giving their own takes of how the night would end for the two, one thing was certain.

He never had a chance.


	11. Expectations

Title: Expectations  
Rating: K  
Genre: Romance/ Humor  
Word count: 275  
Summary: Because life never seems to work out the way you thought it would.

_Disclaimer: Do Not Own Naruto._

* * *

Life was full of surprises. That was a fact. For instance, she never expected that Sasuke would really leave the village and leave her on a bench after giving her words of thanks.

She never expected to be able to demolish brick walls with only her pinky.

She never expected that Naruto would be that great of a friend, or for Sai to be so adorable for a guy who had no idea what it meant to be adorable.

She never expected to become one of the head medics of the hospital.

She never expected that she'd see her former sensei's unmasked face, or how good-looking he was.

And she never expected herself to get married-though she dreamed of it as a child-and certainly not to the famed Copy Nin.

Life was full of surprises, and being a kunoichi, she was taught to expect every possible outcome, but imagine her expression when she told Kakashi she was pregnant with his child.

And now, as she stared at the man on the floor, slowly regaining consciousness after stuttering like a fool and gasping like a fish out of water before fainting who was now staring wide-eyed as a shaking hand pointed at her as his mouth fumbled with the words 'you're pregnant,' that she had to place her hands on her hips and raise a brow with a noncommittal "Huh."

Out of all the things that could've happened, she certainly hadn't been expecting that.


	12. Misconceptions

Title: Misconceptions  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Rating: K  
Word Count: 233  
Summary: It wasn't the fall that killed you, but the landing, and he had to think that that logic applied to this situation also.

* * *

_It is said that when you fall, you were automatically going to die. Anyone who believes it is wrong. It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. _

"Hi Kakashi-sensei!"

Kakashi turned around, startled from his thoughts before smiling at the girl before him as he desperately tried to ignore the fluttery feeling in his heart or the fact he wanted to run very, _very_ far from her.

"Where are you taking me today, sensei?" she asked, glowing with joy at the prospect of doing something with her former sensei. Kami, she was cute.

"I don't know, Sakura-chan. Where do you want to go?"

"Well, I was thinking of…"

And as he steered her through the busy street while she talked of the latest thing she learned from Tsunade, he had to wonder. Using that logic, he had to think that maybe he hadn't _fallen _in love_…_

Sakura stopped suddenly and he stopped a step ahead of her, hand still resting on her back as she turned to him, still glowing with her brilliant smile as an idea struck her.

"I know where I want to go now. Let's spar today, Kakashi-sensei!"

…maybe he _landed_ in it?


	13. Mischief under the Mistletoe

Title: Mischief under the Mistletoe  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Rating: T (bordering M)  
Word Count: 1,001  
Summary: It's Christmas in Konoha and on this day, there is a certain tradition that they must all abide by…

(Note: It's another bar scene! It was supposed to be a jounin headquarters thing, but by the time I figured out it was the wrong setting, it was almost done and I was too lazy to go back and fix everything.)

_Disclaimer: Do Not Own Naruto._

* * *

Bi-colored eyes blinked in the dim lights of the bar, adjusting to it to see the flushed faces around him. How long had he been sitting here? And how much had he been drinking?

Gai's laughter splintered through the room and Kakashi flinched ever-so-slightly at the sound before focusing on his surroundings. Anko was sprawled over someone's lap (that wasn't a surprise since she was drunk), but the surprise was that it was _Iruka_, and not Genma. Then again, Genma was gone, and upon hearing a loud feminine laugh, he turned around to see a woman in said-man's lap with a teasing smile on her face.

Suddenly, Gai's laughter burst through his idle thoughts once more and decided to turn and look over Kurenai's shoulder to see how his "rival" was doing. As he thought, Gai was drunk. Not that he had any right to talk, but at least his face didn't look like a tomato and he wasn't roaring with laughter at everything that could be construed as_ remotely _funny.

Bracing his hand on the wooden tabletop, he looked back to Kurenai—the only real sober person at the table—and watched her nod, showing that she recognized his leave and would tell the others if they asked and began walking away from the table.

He was swaying slightly; the miniscule tipping of the room as he walked told him that. In his peripheral vision, he saw what else was happening at the bar. Naruto was playing another prank, this time the victim being the Inuzuka boy, and Chouji was eating a bag of potato chips as Shikamaru watched the next table over. Focusing his eyes, he saw it was Genma and who he realized now to be Inoichi's daughter.

Turning his head back, he watched Neji and Tenten sit at the bar as Sasuke, Hinata, and Shino carried a conversation on clan politics near the couple and both Naruto and Sai punch Sai in the face simultaneously at their table. Obviously the boy still had yet to understand that people didn't want to hear about genitalia—especially from him.

Shaking his head with a sigh (and a silent memo to get some self-help books for the boy and some fresh air for himself), he started towards the exit when he noticed something above his head. Standing under it, he pondered the green object he stood under. What was _that?_ A plant? Why was a plant above the entry way? He understood the bar needed decoration, but honestly, a branch? He understood cheesy lanterns, small water fountains—scented candles, but a branch?

His mind raced as he stared up at the small plant, guests passing by him without a second glance when he saw a smear of red over pink.

"Sakura?"

And the smear of red turned to reveal green eyes, showing it was indeed her. She was wearing something red and white with black here and there. It left her shoulders bare and showed her legs. Idly, he wondered why she was wearing something like that when it was so cold, or why she was wearing it at all. She blinked up at him.

"Sensei, what are you doing here?"

"What's that?" Kakashi asked abruptly, pointing up at the small ornament hanging from the ceiling.

Sakura giggled behind her hand. "It's mistletoe, sensei. Can't you see it?"

He rubbed his eye and focused his gaze. "I guess I had a little too much to drink," he said with a nervous chuckle and a small scratch on the back of his masked neck. So that's what was…

Realizing he was standing like an idiot again, he let out a small embarrassed grin. Sakura didn't mind apparently, choosing to simply smile back and he nodded at her slightly, starting to walk past her towards the door when he heard her voice.

"Sensei…"

"Yes, Sakura-chan?" he asked turning over his shoulder to look at her as he asked himself if he had hallucinated that purr in her voice. Maybe he really did have too much to drink.

"Don't you know the tradition?" she asked and he shook his head.

"No," he said meekly, not really paying attention to anything once he saw the look in her eyes, one that made him feel strange all over, becoming even worse when she licked her lips.

And just as his heart rate began to speed up, he felt it skip as soft lips claimed his in a kiss that seared his nerves with pleasure and warmth. He felt her arms cradle his head, the touch causing a moan to spill forth as she brought him closer.

Feeling her push closer, he allowed himself to return the favor, letting his hands rest on her cloth-covered derriere to bring the small gap between them even smaller as he felt his fingers brush the fur trim of her outfit.

When they pulled away, both desperate for air and in need of a cold shower, she gave him a sultry smile before pushing away.

Watching her leave, he realized the fabric his fingers brushed against was part of a Sexy Santa outfit, a red sleeveless dress extending mid-thigh with white fur trim and matching boots with a wide black belt around her middle, a Santa hat completing the look.

And when she turned in the crowd to look back at him, the same predatory look in her eyes and sultry smile on her face, he had to wonder if the tingles in his system and the slight reeling of his mind really had anything to do with the amount of alcohol he drank.


	14. Just a Fling

Title: Just a Fling  
Genre: Humor/ Romance  
Word Count: 411  
Rating: T  
Summary: And when he finally realized what had happened, all he could say to describe his situation was, "…Fuck."

_Do Not Own Naruto._

* * *

'_It's just a fling. It's just a fling,_' Hatake Kakashi told himself, ignoring the curious looks of passersby as he walked briskly through the streets. Not that he cared, now or ever, but today, he just couldn't deal with it. He didn't have time to play twenty questions. Not when he had a crisis on his hands.

'_It's just a fling! It's not like I lo-lo'_—

He couldn't say it. He couldn't even think it. What they had didn't cross into that realm. It was just an attraction. It wasn't like actually he liked her or something…

…or enjoyed the way she smelled liked jasmine…

…or the way she would wrinkle her nose when she found him reading his Icha Icha…

…or when she'd come to check up on him…

…or the way she'd shake her head at him with an amused smirk…

…or her smile…

…or her laugh…

…or even—

'_No. No, no, no, no, no, no! I cannot be thinking about that. It's just an attraction. I mean, who wouldn't be attracted to her? She's smart, independent, caring, considerate, charming, witty, beautiful…'_

And he ground to a halt, the sound of dirt grinding against the rough pebbles beneath his sandals reaching his ears as clouds of dust rose and mingled with the sounds of the busy thoroughfare as his head spun. It made sense now. The sweating, the nervous laughter, the sincere smiles and warm glowing feeling in his heart like someone replaced it with a light bulb. The lingering touches, the erratic heartbeats, the heart attack he nearly had when he woke up after seeing her in his sleep, the stroke he had when he saw her this morning, and then he started laughing like a nervous idiot and ran away from her!

And he felt his heart sink in his chest, plummeting a good fifty feet before stopping and feeling surprisingly sober for a man in his situation as he stood in the middle of the street with his mind racing. Was there a way out? Could he somehow reverse it? But inside, he knew that there was no point. He was stuck. And at that moment, he could only sum up his thoughts and feelings about this new arrangement in one word.

"…Fuck."


	15. Jaded

Title: Jaded  
Genre: Humor/Drama  
Word Count:  
Rating: T  
Summary: Cynicism was never so sweet.

_Disclaimer: Do Not Own Naruto._ Happy Singles-Awareness Day!

* * *

Thuds echoed as feet thundered in the dirt roads of Konoha, the clouds of dust rising up from the roads to a nose wrinkled in distaste.

"Takeshi! Let's go there!"

And they sped up in the streets as they knit their brows in irritation, past the fawning sighs and delighted squeals filling the air as the large paper bag hammered against her leg with every tense step she took.

'_Stupid Valentine's Day. Stupid couples. Stupid honmei-choco. Stupid tomo-choco. Stupid giri-choco,'_ the girl thought angrily as she stormed through the streets towards her destination.

.

.

.

Kakashi sat peacefully in his apartment, the sounds of the small clock on the shelf above his bed filling his ears as a bird twittered outside his window. It was a Saturday and more importantly, one of the few days he found himself not in danger of being skewered by a sharp metallic object or being blown to bits. What was he going to do with this rare day off? He was going to have some well-deserved Kakashi time, and that meant sitting on his small worn couch and curling up comfortably with his newest copy of Icha Icha.

As he began flipping through the title pages and acknowledgements to get to the actual book, a knock on the door was heard before it was abruptly slammed inward, and he winced at the splintering where a foot was recently placed. Even though he had moved into his new apartment from his old one ("his closet" as his former students affectionately called it) two years ago, he still had yet to be forgiven by his landlord from last year's incident of Naruto breaking the fire escape and he was certainly not going to be pleased with this.

"Kakashi-sensei!"

At the sharp bark, he tensed and addressed his new guest, back noticeably straighter as he did so. "Sakura-chan," he offered with a meek wave, "what are you doing here?"

"We're making chocolate," she said firmly, swinging her bag as small items flew through the sky and Kakashi looked up in thought. Oh right, it was Valentine's Day as well.

A clatter in his kitchen was heard and he turned his head, heart plummeting as he heard her dump the contents of her paper bag onto his kitchen table. If he wanted to salvage any chance of having this day to himself, he was going to have to stop her now.

"Sakura-chan," he began walking into the kitchen, "as much as I would like to make chocolates with you—and I really would!—isn't there anyone else you'd rather make them with?"

At the flat look she gave him, it was obvious the answer was no. "Hinata is on cloud nine since Naruto is taking her on a date, Ino-pig is off with her new boy toy, Sasuke is off procreating with his wife, Tenten is off with Neji training, Lee is with Gai on a mission, Tsunade is in a drunken stupor with Jiraiya, Genma, and Shizune, Shikamaru is in Suna with Temari, and I am _not_ going to degrade myself by crawling all the way to Sai just for him to call me a hag before I punch him through the stratosphere."

'_Ouch,'_ was what went through his mind, but it was another word that escaped his lips.

"Oh," he said as he watched Sakura maneuver around his kitchen. She was wearing a pink apron he did not remember seeing (or having) before. In her hands was a large bowl filled with chocolate pieces and she placed it over the opening of a pot of boiling water. Though satisfied with her work, it was clear she wasn't satisfied with other things. She turned to him with a scowl.

"I don't get it," she said with her arms crossed over her chest. Kakashi calmly flipped a page of his book. It had been a hopeless endeavor anyway.

"Don't get what?" he asked half-listening, half-not as he focused on Junko's current escapade, a virgin who apparently had strange-colored hair and large green eyes. He shook his head. Now that couldn't be right. Sakura gave an irritated sigh and pouted her lips.

"Why does Valentine's Day matter so much? It's just a corporate gimmick so candy manufacturers can get our hard-earned money while we get generic chocolates, and since we give them to everyone and everyone gets one, they make more money on one day than I'll ever make in a lifetime! I don't get it! It's just chocolate. What makes it so special today? And we give stupid little names for it! Giri-choco: obligation chocolate. Tomo-choco: friend chocolate. Honmei-choco: chocolate for loved ones. What's next? Nuke-choco: chocolate for the adorable missing-nin waiting to rip my guts out? And then, as if that wasn't enough, you walk outside and suffocate from the fluff floating around! You know I saw five different couples making out within twenty-feet of each other? Even little kids were kissing each other!" she shouted as she set the chocolate-covered crackers on the baking sheet lined with parchment paper before continuing. "But we'll show them! We don't need their machine-made chocolates. We'll make our own!"

It was at that moment that Kakashi stood and tapped her gently on her shoulder. She turned her head to see his mask pooled around his neck and despite what Team 7 thought of him before, he was actually quite handsome and briefly, she wondered if he had dimples.

"Sakura-chan?" he asked, watching as she started a bit.

"Yes, sensei?" she asked brightly as she placed another sheet of chocolates out to cool and tested their first batch. Kakashi placed his hand on the table to brace his weight.

"Sakura…this wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you didn't get any chocolates, would it?" he asked gauging her reaction as he watched her pupils dilate and emotions flicker over her eyes. Her breathing was slightly uneven and sweat was beginning to form on her skin. She chuckled nervously.

"What? No; of course not, sensei. What—what ever made you think that?" she said as she quickly busied herself with the chocolate on the double-boiler. Kakashi moved to pick up an object from the kitchen table.

"Well, you dropped this chalk heart on your way in and there's a bunch of them in your bag," he said as he inspected the ill-looking lilac heart with the corny message of "B Mine," inscribed in a shade of red that clashed horribly with the already ill-fitting purple. Sakura became unusually quiet.

Looking up to ask if she was alright, it was at that moment that he felt something rebound off the back of his throat as she viciously shoved a chocolate into his mouth and told him to start eating.


	16. Shooting the Breeze

Title: Shooting the Breeze  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Rating: T  
Word Count: 854  
Summary: Shooting the breeze just shot him in a whole new direction…

_Disclaimer: Do Not Own Naruto._

* * *

It was a bright and sunny morning in Konoha, and with a small smile and yawn that made him curl his toes, Hatake Kakashi rose from his bed feeling outrageously well. Why was he so cheerful that particular morning? The birds were singing, the sky was blue, and he was still alive with the addition of a new volume of Icha Icha tucked away in his back pocket. Life was good.

After getting ready for the day and watering his potted plant, Mr. Ukki, he exited his apartment window and left for the Hokage tower where he sat in a room full of jounin and chunnin. Normally, there wouldn't be that many people in the tower, but today, Tsunade and Shizune were conducting an experiment and anyone with at least a chunnin-rank and 20 years of age and over was able to participate. In return, they'd receive some money for their troubles.

Now, being Kakashi, he decided that if the experiment was probably something simple (the village couldn't afford to lose the crowd of roughly 180 ninja in the room in an experiment, no matter how well it was doing now), and he was going to get paid for it, he might as well do it.

So as he sat in one of the empty chairs in the room and people were being to be called up one by one as others filled out the form, he began to notice things. Things like how the paint was beginning to chip off the walls in some places, how large the plant in the corner of the room was, and how unnaturally quiet it was when every person in the room was so boisterous just a few seconds ago. Then he noticed the blur of pink before his left eye.

"Sakura?"

"Oh, hi Kakashi-sensei," she replied with a glance up before resuming to fill out her paperwork. So many questions…

"What are you doing here? I thought you'd be helping with this experiment," the silver-haired man questioned. Sakura shrugged.

"They had enough people helping," she replied before filling the space reserved for age with a neat 'twenty.'

"Oh," he replied before a silence stretched between the two. Normally, Kakashi wouldn't be so unnerved by a little thing like silence, but this seemed too unnatural. Even in the forest, there were the sounds of insects or, at the very least, a gust of wind or two. He needed to do something.

"So I see you're a jounin now."

"I have been for the past two years. You were there," she replied as she moved on to the next part of the paperwork. He was starting to feel bad. He hadn't even started on his.

"Oh. Right. So…how do you like it?"

"Gets the bills paid," she replied flatly as she pondered the question before her. Would she rather have her legs amputated or her arms?

As Sakura pondered her answer, Kakashi continued to steal glances at the woman beside him. He knew he should start filling out the forms, but it was hard when he realized how little he knew about her and how bad he was at something as simple as small-talk.

Knowing he was running out of topics to break the silence (and he was _not_ going to degrade himself by asking something so blatantly obvious and cliché as 'how is the weather?'), he said the only things he could think of.

"I like your shirt. The pink goes really good with the white," he commented sincerely, forms neatly stacked in his lap as he looked over at her from the side.

And she looked back at him, confusion written across her face like fine graffiti as she furrowed her brows and began to mutter, "Pink? Wha—I'm not wearing any…"

And she looked down, a shriek escaping her lips. "You hentai! That's my bra!"

"What?" he shouted in an equally loud manner, eye staring disbelievingly at her—never mind the eyes staring at them both.

"You heard what I just said! You were staring at my chest!" she shouted, papers raining down as she snapped her clipboard in half.

"Sakura, calm down. I was just making small-talk—shooting the breeze! Honest!" he said as he edged towards the window. Sweat ran down the side of his face and his heart thumped loud enough in his chest that he heard it rather than felt it, but none of that seemed to sway her, especially her muttered words of "shooting something alright."

It was a millisecond later that Kakashi bolted out the window, running like a bat out of hell away from the tower, three seconds later that an angry Sakura began after him, a second later that he realized he was probably going to hell, another second after that to realize the pink really did look good with the white and that she looked absolutely stunning when angry, and another second after that to realize that he was _definitely_ going to hell.


	17. Low blow

Title: Low-blow  
Genre: Humor/ Drama  
Rating: T  
Word Count: 276  
Summary: It happened to the best of them. Asuma, Gai, even Genma, but he never imagined it would hurt this much.

* * *

_Konoha Training Ground 7, one of the few places open to all shinobi of the village for usage. Here, sounds of punches, kicks, and various other things are normal. Screams and awkward silences, however, are not._

_._

_._

_._

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Kakashi-sensei!"

A wheeze.

"Don't worry about it, Sakura-chan. It's nothing," he says waving dismissively with a strained smile. God, it hurt.

"Nothing? Nothing? Kakashi, I just kicked you in the crotch!"

"Really? I didn't notice," he lies as tears sting his eyes. Jesus, what did she hit him with? A piece of steel?

"Then why are you hunched over, huh?" she snaps defensively before gripping her hair in turmoil. "Oh my god, I just kicked you in the crotch with a chakra-enhanced kick! What are the medical repercussions? Are there medical repercussions? Wah!"

He pants. "Sakura-chan, it's okay. It was just a training accident. I should've had my guard up."

"'It's okay?' It's okay? Kakashi-sensei, I may have just irreparably damaged your ability to produce children!"

He laughs despite the pain. "I don't think I'll mind. I dealt with you, Sasuke, and Naruto long enough to refrain from any ideas of a family."

But she doesn't hear him and he continues to chuckle despite the fiery pain beneath his waistline and the fact he feels like leaping out of his skin. But just when he thought it couldn't get any worse…

"Sensei, I have to heal you. Take off your pants."


	18. Lost

Title: Lost  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Rating: K  
Word Count: 264  
Summary: She should've known when she woke up this morning that it would be a bad day.

Note: Today is one of those rare unangstable days for me, so I've decided to work on Collection again. This one was written a while ago, but because I fail at labeling my documents properly, it is only now that I have found it.

_Disclaimer: Do Not Own Naruto._

* * *

"…we're lost, aren't we, sensei?" a young girl asked as they stood in the middle of a dirt road, large green eyes staring up unblinkingly at the silver-haired man she called 'sensei.' Her teacher looked down at his student with a strained smile.

"No, Sakura, we aren't lost. We just seemed to have lost direction."

"That's just another way to say 'we're lost,' Kakashi-sensei. Maybe we should ask for directions?" she queried. After all, it wouldn't do to be wandering around all day when they could just ask for directions and be on their way.

"I didn't say we were lost. You did and besides, I have the map right here," he said holding up a brownish-yellow piece of paper in his hands, completely missing the roll of the young girl's eyes. "Now it says here that we're supposed to turn right at the fork in the road next to a big green blob. Do you see it anywhere?"

The twelve-yr-old girl peered over her teacher's forearm to find out what would be the green blob in the middle of the forest, and rolled her eyes.

"Sensei, that's a glob of lime jell-o and you're holding Naruto's geography homework."

"…oh," he said, as if he just noticed the large glaring red 'F' painted in the upper right-hand corner.

"Are we lost, Kakashi-sensei?"

And this time, he blinked and stared straight ahead as if he just found the exit to this horrible nightmare before saying, "You know what, Sakura-chan? I believe we are lost."


	19. Miscommunication

Title: Miscommunication  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/ Drama  
Word Count: 835  
Summary: Life was like a game of telephone. It only took one person to screw everything up.

AN: This is actually the first piece of Collection I've typed since Christmas. Yes, you heard me right, what you've been reading has been hold-over. I don't know why, but humor works best for me in summer and I angst the rest of the year. Anyway, don't know how funny this will be since I haven't written humor in a while, but we'll see how it goes.

Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto.

* * *

"Oh God."

What did he do?

"Oh God."

He was such an idiot.

"How could this happen?"

Well, he knew how this could happen, but he couldn't believe it. I mean, Sakura was…_pregnant?_

It all started this morning when Naruto came pounding at his door, waking up a grouchy Kakashi. Granted, it was already 11 and any normal person would have been up at this hour, but Kakashi had gotten home late and was nursing a minor migraine from the alcohol he consumed the night before at Genma's behest (when the man was paying, how could Kakashi be so rude as to refuse?), so when he opened the door, Kakashi was not a happy camper.

"What, Naruto?"

Normally the edge in his voice would've been able to reach the boy (because rarely was he ever visibly angry and this tone of voice caused even crying babies to instantly quiet), but today Naruto took no notice, instead hyperventilating and flailing around with a wild look in his eyes.

Immediately wondering if the boy had suddenly acquired drugs or was stupid enough to eat some mushrooms he found in the forest, he held his tongue and asked if he need a paper bag or something. Naruto immediately shook his head, but because he kept hyperventilating on his doorstep, Kakashi guessed he had something to tell him.

"Naruto, if all you're going to do is do an impression of a fish thrown onto a boat deck, I'm going to go back inside now and—"

"Sakura's pregnant."

"What?" Kakashi asked, immediately swiveling his head to look at the babbling idiot in stunned surprise.

"It's true! I went to visit Sakura-chan this morning and when I landed in her windowsill, she told me that she might be pregnant and to get you!" Naruto shouted, pulling at his blonde strands in anguish. "Ahhh! What are we going to do, sensei? And why is she asking you to go? Shouldn't she ask Baa-chan? I mean, what the hell do you know about babies? I mean—"

The door slammed shut at that moment, muffling whatever Naruto was spewing from his mouth as Kakashi wandered dazedly into his apartment to absorb the information. Sakura was pregnant? And she wanted him to go over to her house? How could this have happened? Granted, they had had sex—really, really great sex that made him want to melt into a pleasured puddle at her feet and bay at the moon and…you get the idea—but they took every precaution. He used a condom. She was on the pill! Even if the condom ripped, how could she get a baby on the pill?

'_Unless she forgot that day and thought she did take it…' _

He slapped his forehead and groaned. The migraine had definitely multiplied, but he couldn't think about that now. Sakura was pregnant with his baby. His baby! Millions of images flashed before his eyes at that word—the waking up at odd hours, the toys, the blankets, the _diapers._

"Oh God."

He couldn't even think about it any longer, but he felt like he had to; like some sick form of masochistic torture. It wasn't like he wasn't going to take responsibility for it, but he wasn't ready for a baby! Babies were…were…he couldn't even think properly, he was so stressed out.

'_I have to talk to Sakura.'_

Dashing out his window, he darted to her household, landing on her windowsill. In his mind, he had imagined how he would find her; alone at the kitchen table gazing sadly at the positive pregnancy test in her hand. What he _did_ find was Sakura in an apron, a mixing bowl secured in the crook of her arm as she mixed some amorphous beige matter, and a kitchen table littered in baking sheets and spilled flour.

"Huh?" he asked, causing Sakura to look up at the sound. She smiled.

"Kakashi-sensei! Glad you could make it!" she said happily before noting his stunned expression. "What's wrong? You're looking at me like I grew another head."

"You're not pregnant?" he asked slipping into the kitchen. Sakura looked at him, confused.

"What are you talking about? No, I'm not pregnant. Why would you think I am?"

"Because Naruto said you may be pregnant," Kakashi answered in the same incredulous tone as before.

Sakura rolled her eyes and sighed in exasperation. "Naruto, that idiot…I said I was _making pretzels_."


	20. Indulgences

Title: Indulgences  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor  
Word Count: 215  
Summary: Everyone had their indulgences, it just so happened that his indulgence had more harmful side effects than others.

Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto.

Happy Birthday Kakashi-sama! May you be perpetually 29 until the next arc comes!

* * *

People had indulgences. The citizens of Konoha, shinobi or civilian, were no exception. For example, Naruto's indulgence was ramen. Genma's indulgence was sex, obviously, and Ino had a thing for chocolate.

Ayame, the daughter of the ramen shop operator, was part of a local performance group where every Saturday night, she was a juggler.

Iruka's indulgence was his garden, which he watered every Wednesday morning while Anko had a thing for baking. (Her cookies were amazing.)

Shizune (when Tsunade left for diplomatic meetings), worked as a dominatrix with Yamato as one of her regular customers.

Ibiki loved kittens while Sasuke kept a stash of porn under his bed and frequently borrowed from his sensei with threats of castration via flaming kunai if he ever told.

_As for Kakashi's indulgence… _

"Kakashi-sensei, get back here right now!" an irate Sakura screamed through the streets as she dashed after her sensei's trail.

"Catch me if you can, Sakura!" he shouted with mirth, a small black glove swinging in his back pocket as he hopped from rooftop to rooftop, a small gleeful smile on his face.


	21. Jabs

Title: Jabs  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/ Drama?  
Word Count: 725  
Summary: It was a sticky situation…or rather, a prickly one.

Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto.

* * *

It all started fairly easily. Go to Suna with Sakura. Retrieve a scroll from Gaara and bring it back.

"'You'll be fine. It'll be easy! Think of it as a vacation!' Yeah right," Kakashi grumbled, mocking Tsunade's parting words as she sent them on their latest mission. Of course, she forgot to mention that the Kazekage was gone on a diplomatic meeting and his siblings had no idea where the scroll was, or the fact that they would be attacked on the way back because the scroll was actually plans for a high-security establishment that would garner a hefty sum on the black market and change the rank of the mission from 'B' to 'A.' Sure, they'd have their pay changed accordingly, but it would've been nice to grab a few more kunai at the beginning of the trip instead of running around the forest to retrieve their limited supply.

"Ouch!"

"Quit complaining!" Sakura sighed exasperatedly, dropping an item into a glass petri dish as her sensei flinched on the stretcher by her hip. Kakashi glared, affronted.

"Well, what am I supposed to say when I'm hurt? 'Yay?'"

"If you're a masochist, yes. But as far as I know, you're not; so quit complaining and hold still!" she yelled.

"Hold still? Hold still? I have porcupine quills in my ass! And if I remember correctly, I got them saving you!" he retorted hotly before turning back to glare disdainfully at the exam room wall. Honestly, what were porcupines doing in the middle of the Sand-Fire border? He'd expected snakes, scorpions—but a _porcupine?_

"You didn't save me."

"Really? So pulling you away from a flying kunai aimed at your neck doesn't constitute as saving you?" he said as he recounted the incident in his mind. He had just finished off his opponent when he noticed a kunai sailing towards Sakura. Normally, he wouldn't pay it any attention since Sakura could handle those types of things on her own (she was a Chuunin, after all), but her body had been temporarily paralyzed by a jutsu. Being her team leader and friend, it was his job to protect her and so, he grabbed her and pulled her out of the way…only to land on a hapless porcupine sleeping in the bushes where they landed.

"It does, but I would've been fine."

"Yes, because not being able to move at all is the absolute _epitome_ of being capable. Face it, Sakura. I got these things in my butt saving you. Shouldn't you be grateful?"

"Well, I would be if you weren't being such a grouch," she grumbled.

"Well, wouldn't you be a grouch too if you had to be naked from the waist down while your former student plucks quills out of your ass?"

"I'd certainly take it better than you are right now."

"Liar, you'd be just as grouchy as I am right now."

"Well, this isn't a picnic for me either. Like I really want to be staring at your backside, old man."

"First of all, I'm not old. Thirty-five is a good age to be. And I'll have you know, half of Konoha fawns over my backside. They'd kill to be in your place."

"Then get one of them," she snapped, a quill ringing in the petri dish.

"Didn't I teach you to take responsibility for your actions? If not me, certainly your mother. You wouldn't want to disappoint her, would you?"

"She's probably disappointed already that I'm looking at a man's ass and I'm not even married."

"Well, we could get married. I'll make an honest woman out of you yet, Haruno Sakura."

"Oh ha-ha, sensei. And when my mother has a heart attack, what will we do then?"

"We could always hide the body and elope."

"You're horrible, I swear," she said, the faintest hints of a smile on her lips. Kakashi smiled.

"Just admit it. You think my ass is cute and you want nothing more than to ravage me right now and—OW!" he cried, turning his head back to see Sakura looking impishly back at him, a long quill at the end of her tweezers.

"What, sensei?" she asked innocently.

Kakashi settled to grumble under his breath.


	22. Searching

Title: Searching  
Rating: K  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Word Count: 447  
Summary: Maybe when Kakashi was searching for a way to describe Sakura, he should've looked a bit harder…

Wow, I haven't touched Collection in forever. Hope I haven't lost my touch in humor (all I do is angst and even I'm annoyed with it). Anyway, on with the oneshot!

* * *

It was a bright, sunny day in Konoha when Sakura asked what her team thought of her. Though it may have seemed random, it was not. Their team had stopped to take a break from their all-day training session and while she rested on the grassy hill in training area 9, she had begun reflecting on her team.

Sasuke—who had come back to Konoha two years ago—was still quiet; and while he still brooded quite frequently, he was much calmer and kinder than she ever remembered him being since his return. He'd even smile at her on occasion.

Naruto, on the other hand, had changed very little. He was still the loud-mouthed, brash ninja Sakura and Sasuke had grown up with, but like Sasuke, he had also matured. His sense of responsibility had increased enormously and there was talk in the village that the nineteen-yr-old knucklehead might just become Hokage soon.

And Sai…Sakura didn't know. It was hard to describe Sai without a few curses thrown in, but though he was still the same socially-inept painter she met years ago, he had begun to improve in his comprehension of emotions (even if he still retained his penchant for his trademark hollow smile).

But when it came to assess herself, she came up blank and thinking her teammates could help, she asked them.

Naruto cheerfully stated she was pretty.

Sasuke quietly replied that she was thoughtful.

Even Sai's response was quite sweet, telling her she was a good cook, despite being a hag (she, of course, chose to ignore the last part).

Yamato was no longer on their team—he was back in Anbu with a team of his own at the moment—but she would've guessed his response would be somewhere on the lines of describing her medical abilities, which left their silver-haired sensei as the only one to not have answered.

Crawling over to her boyfriend (yes, they were dating, but secretly though), she asked him what he thought of her. But even before she had finished her question, she could feel her heart bubble with giddy anticipation as she watched him look up in deep thought. What would he say?

Then, upon reaching his answer, he looked straight at her and in his brightest tone, gave her his answer, "Clingy."

And when she began chasing the silver-haired pervert through the village, hurling obscenities at his back while throwing whatever object she could get her hands on, the remaining members of Team 7 could offer no pity for the man—he had deserved it, after all—and quietly left the training field for the local river to spend the rest of their day off.


	23. Matters of the Heart

Title: Matters of the Heart  
Genre: Humor/ Drama  
Rating: T  
Word Count: 608  
Summary: Who knew the guy who won Sakura's heart was such a loser?

A/N: Written after a long dry spell of non-humor Kakasaku. This was obviously before Tea Shop Thursday. I need to get my butt into gear on humor. Angsting so much is not good for my health, or my fandom.

* * *

"You know she likes me better."

Sasuke looked up at the blank-faced painter. They were in the training fields under the shade of a tree waiting for Sakura to arrive. Naruto had fallen asleep and Kakashi was just a few feet away while Sai sat in the crook of a tree limb. Sasuke took one look at the painter and snorted. "Tch. Yeah right."

"It's true," Sai said leaping down, his footsteps just barely rustling the grass as he landed. "She likes me better than you."

Again, Sasuke snorted, but he raised himself into a sitting position. Though it was true Sakura had stopped clinging to him every waking minute of the day, Sasuke doubted that it meant she stopped liking him and told Sai this. The painter shook his head.

"I am not saying she doesn't like you. I am saying she likes me better than you. And I cannot blame her preference."

At this, Sasuke raised a skeptical brow. "Oh really?"

Sai nodded. "I have the same face as you, but my personality is much more pleasant. I do not brood constantly and I have what the females call 'washboard abs.' Apparently, this is supposed to be a good thing because Yamanaka-san went into great detail about how 'sexy' I am and what she would like to do to me if she had the chance."

Pushing away the slight shudder that went through his body at just what Ino would do to Sai, Sasuke folded his arms and stared down the boy, now standing eye to eye with him.

"She's known me longer and even if we have similar features, I doubt she'd prefer a schizoid painter who can't even call her by her proper name over me. I'm obviously the better choice."

"It is merely the truth, Sasuke-san—"

"I highly doubt that."

"Well, I believe…"

And that is how the argument went between Sasuke and Sai, each offering statements that they were the one Sakura liked better while the other gave a rebuttal. With each word exchanged, the argument began to spiral more and more out of control as waves of animosity roiled off the two warring parties. Nothing was safe, from Sasuke's past to Sai's questionable fashion sense. At some point, they had even woken up Naruto to be the referee, only for the blonde to be lost in the raging sea of words flying above his head.

So when Sakura came walking up the hill, the two raven-haired males spotted their chance. Quickly appearing before her, they opened their mouths, only to glare once they realized the other was doing the same thing as them. Sakura looked confusedly between the two.

"Um…what's going on? And what happened to Naruto?" she asked, taking in the dazed and confused Kyuubi container sitting a few feet away. He looked like he was going to be sick.

"We'd like you to settle something for us, hag."

"Tell us who won your heart. Him or me," Sasuke demanded as the two men exchanged narrowed gazes. Glancing back, they watched Sakura's eyes shift between them and waited for their judgment, both equally assured of their victory when she smiled brightly at them and said, "Neither."

"Excuse me?" they chorused in astonishment. Sakura smiled and giggled as she walked over to their silver-haired teacher, draping her arms lovingly around his neck.

"He did," Sakura said as she hugged the silver-haired nin to her, his nose still buried in his trademark orange book as a giggle escaped him, causing Sakura only to smile wider. Sasuke and Sai sweat-dropped. Who knew the guy who won Sakura's heart was such a loser?


	24. The Qualms of Winning

Title: The Qualms of Winning  
Genre: Humor/ Action?  
Rating: K+  
Word Count: 595  
Summary: Maybe it was a good thing that Kakashi didn't win, after all.

A/N: Decided to post this to refresh my mind. I'm working on Fix You ch.18 and I hit a mental block (Fix You is mentally exhausting, seriously). It's ten pages long so far and I've only just arrived at the plot portion. I can already tell it's going to be a ridiculously long chapter. FML.

* * *

This was it, Kakashi told himself as he panted harshly across from his opponent, a familiar pink-haired girl who he had been teaching not too long ago. Around them, the crowd was whipped into a frenzy as they demanded more blood and action from their spectacle.

It was a contest, a competition battle royal for a grand prize. Along his journey to the final two, he'd seen many friends: Anko, Kurenai, even the ever-working Shizune had slipped out to enter this competition, but he was surprised to see that even a few civilians had joined the competition. He was also surprised to see so few men in the competition, but merely shrugged it off. Less competition for him.

"Better give up, sensei. I won't be going easy on you," she said with a cocky gaze, despite her own winded appearance.

Kakashi chuckled breathlessly. "I wouldn't expect you too," he replied easily, even as his legs trembled slightly at the idea of another energy-draining fight. They'd been fighting all day and the humid summer heat did not help their exhaustion. Luckily, they were equally tired and they knew this fight would be decided on who could land the finishing blow first.

The referee, Tsunade, looked down at them from her viewing box and with the sharp descent of her hand, the final match had started. Gazes sharpened, they charged at each other for their final blow. A shock wave echoed the battle arena; the dust cloud ripped through the skies.

Kakashi lay on his back, staring up at the still blue sky and enjoying the soothing sensation of lying on the grass as a painful ache began to echo through his body. He'd lost.

A shadow hovered over his face and he turned to see Sakura offering her hand.

"I lost," he admitted.

"I know," she replied and hoisted him up to a sitting position as the cheering of the crowd continued to echo through the venue. Looking him over, she sighed and began healing his cracked rib. "You know, if you really wanted that vacation date with Genma, you could've just asked. I'm pretty sure he would've been fine with it if it was you," she commented offhandedly before glancing up to see Kakashi's confused face.

"Wait, you didn't know that was the prize?"

Kakashi shook his head. He had only heard of the competition last week. He'd been on his way back form the grocery store and had overheard two women talking about some grand competition with an amazing prize. He'd had no idea what it was, but for the two women to be talking with such enthusiasm for the contest, he had assumed it was something very, very valuable and possibly something he should have.

Oh, how wrong he was.

Seeing Kakashi's stunned (and slightly green) reaction, Sakura's eyes widened as her lips fell into a shocked 'O.' Words of pity and comfort were on the tip of her tongue, but before she could speak them, she found herself being roughly hauled away by the event announcer.

Kakashi watched Sakura be pulled away by the slick-haired announcer, a dazed look on his face as he stared at the gate and met the uneasy wave of Genma; Kakashi felt his head spin. This was just too weird for words, but despite his cycling thoughts, one thought leapt out ahead of the rest.

'_Maybe it's a good thing I lost.'_

And with that, he left for home to nurse his wounds and rest in preparation for dealing with the backlash that was sure to come.


	25. The Wise Man

Title: The Wise Man  
Genre: Humor/ Drama  
Rating: T (M-ish. This is what I get for not writing lemons for an entire year.)  
Word Count: 432  
Summary: As a child, he was taught to choose his battles wisely, but faced with an angry Sakura or public humiliation, which was the lesser evil?

**A/N: Inspired by my friend RyanRendan's piece that he wrote a while back. This is my expanded (less fluffy) take on it. And since it was birthday-related, now seemed as good a time as any to post. Happy birthday, Kakashi! And if you ever come to life, call me!**

* * *

When he was a child, one of the first things his father ever taught him was to never choose a battle he couldn't win. Granted, one rarely ever picked battles in the shinobi world (he'd rather avoid it if he could), but he understood what his father meant: don't go overboard and do something stupid you're going to regret. It was an invaluable lesson, one that would be repeated through his career time and time again. Even when he resented his father, he still knew this was a true edict to live by.

However, as Kakashi has said before, one rarely ever picked battles in the shinobi world, and it certainly wasn't like he _asked_ to get a year older. However, he did, and now he was facing the consequences in the form of a birthday party. Though it didn't sound too bad (free booze rarely ever sounded bad), it wasn't the party itself that had Kakashi worried. It was the presents.

Though presents were usually reason to celebrate—who was he to argue with free stuff?—the gift he was currently staring down was making his eye twitch ever-so-uncomfortably. What was it? Why, it was a pink mask from his similarly pink-haired girlfriend.

Though he loved Sakura to bits—and he did love her to bits, _and all her bits_—part of him wanted to ask why in God's name she got him a _pink_ mask.

'_Does it look like pink is my color?'_

As if sensing his hesitation, Sakura looked at him and asked, "Don't you like it?"

Kakashi gulped in his seat as more people circled to gaze in on the developing situation. Despite the pout in her voice and her glistening eyes, he could already hear her cracking her knuckles on the tabletop. He was walking on very thin ice here; everything hinged on his answer. On the one hand, he could say that while it was a very nice thought—_and it was!_—he didn't like it, and subsequently get beaten half to death on his birthday and be forced to sleep on the couch for the rest of the week (Of all the days for his birthday to fall on a Sunday). On the other hand, he could lie and say he loved it. Sakura would undoubtedly be happy (and he might get lucky), but then, there would be the copious amount of public humiliation to deal with, seeing how every person he knew was at this party.

"Well?" Sakura prompted.

Kakashi sank ever so slightly in his seat. Hopefully his answer wouldn't get him killed.


	26. House Sitters

Title: House-sitters  
Genre: Humor/Drama  
Rating: M  
Word Count: 767  
Summary: Maybe next time, he'd ask Neji to watch his apartment for him.

_A/N: This was probably only written last month, but even I can see how disjointed my sentences are. I need to practice more. I'm getting super rusty. Also, Fix You is still in progress. The fight scenes are going to be as drawn out as the manga, it seems._

* * *

Naruto sighed as he walked up the stairs to his apartment. He'd been on a long mission and couldn't wait to get home, and he shared that sentiment with the people walking up with him.

"Well, it's good to have you back home," Kakashi smiled with Naruto's pack slung over his shoulder. Now that it wasn't carrying all that ramen, it was much easier to carry. Sakura, who stood on Naruto's left, nodded in agreement.

"And thanks for watching my apartment, guys." Though Naruto didn't normally need to have someone watch his apartment—he lived in a relatively safe neighborhood—he had a bunch of Jiraiya's old things, including the original and special editions of Icha Icha all autographed, and since his death, Naruto had to have an eye kept on those things in case an overzealous fan tried to steal it (Kakashi, he didn't have to worry about since he had all those special volumes already and he didn't care about the originals).

Sakura smiled and helped him open the faded red door. "It's fine. I know you'd do the same for me and Kakashi," she commented as she stepped inside. Naruto merely nodded wordlessly and collapsed on the couch exhaustedly.

"Did anything happen while I was gone?" he asked, though he wasn't really interested in the response. He was too tired.

Sakura looked up and placed a finger on her chin in thought. "Well…we accidentally broke a few bowls and set an oven mitt on fire and some springs in your bed might be a bit worn. Oh, and your next door neighbor might be mad at you for a few weeks. Sorry about that."

"We'll pay for the bowls and the oven mitt," Kakashi commented.

Naruto nodded from under the arm slung over his eyes. "Why did you break the bowls anyway?" he asked with slight curiosity, missing the look Kakashi and Sakura exchanged.

"We were a bit clumsy," Sakura answered, a nervous chuckle following her words. Naruto sent a skeptical look towards the girl. As two of Konoha's best ninja, he had a hard time believing they were just 'a bit clumsy' (he could understand the oven mitt. They were cheap and some of his pots had low handles), but decided not to pursue the subject and let himself fall back on the worn navy blue couch when his hand grazed something scratchy.

Propping himself up to investigate—he didn't remember that part of the couch being scratchy—it seemed like his couch was stained with something. It was white and covered an area the size of his palm and upon further inspection, flaked off when he scratched at it. If he didn't know any better, he'd say it was…

"Did you guys…?"

Kakashi and Sakura refused to meet Naruto's gaze. Boy, this carpet was interesting.

Naruto's eyes bulged out of their sockets. "You didn't!"

Sakura fidgeted as she continued to stare at the floor while Kakashi looked up at the ceiling, scratching the bridge of his nose.

"You guys screwed on my couch?!" Naruto shouted in disbelief. This was his couch! This was where he watched TV! This was his favorite spot to eat ramen! And they had sex—and he touched—he was going to have to disinfect the couch—no, he was going to have to _BURN_ it.

Sighing tiredly, he let his head fall on the arm rest…only to feel another scratchy stain under his skin. "Here too?!"

"Not just there. We did it on the kitchen table too," Sakura admitted sheepishly. Naruto blanched, then turned slightly green.

"The kitchen?! I eat in there, Sakura!" Naruto shouted before covering his eyes with his hands tiredly. "The couch AND the kitchen…" he moaned helplessly.

"The kitchen…and the bed, the bathroom, the window, the floor, the shower, and—"

Naruto held his hand up, cutting off Kakashi. "Stop. I don't want to know," he said tiredly. God, he felt exhausted now—and sick, he couldn't forget sick. His two best friends had been screwing on every inch of his house after all, and though he was still sitting on the defiled couch, he couldn't find it in him to care at the moment. The sudden rush of information was too much for him.

Thinking he'd find a hint of compassion, Naruto looked up through the gaps in his fingers at the two only to find them raking their eyes over each other. In the back of his mind, Naruto threw up his hands and groaned in defeat. He should've never asked a pair of oversexed newlyweds to house-sit for him.


	27. Cheater

Title: Cheater  
Genre: Humor/General  
Rating: T  
Word Count:  
Summary: Next time, Kakashi could just go as a ninja for Halloween.

**A/N: Don't think my hiatus is done yet. I still have a long way to go with college apps (I only finished my senior fact sheet yesterday). It's just that I typed this up during the end of summer and it's Halloween. Designs for their costumes will be linked on my profile/on my deviantart account.**

Warning: Contains gratuitous amounts of Labyrinth references. Those not familiar with the movie should go watch it or have an extra tab open. Done for my own sick fangirling wishes. Do not own the awesomeness that is Labyrinth or Jareth's tight pants.

* * *

It was a dark, starry night. Only a few clouds shrouded the sky, slinking milky-grey trails over the moon. The streets of Konoha were quiet, the markets having closed for the night, and in the darkness, a black cat slinked through the streets.

"Hurry up, Kakashi-sensei! We're going to be late!" Sakura shouted as she hurried her steps. Kakashi, a few paces behind her, merely sighed and scratched his cheek as he wondered if she understood what she had just said. After all, when one's traveling companion was Hatake Kakashi, it was expected that they'd be a few minutes late.

"Sensei!"

"Hai, hai," he replied as the small pug at his foot grumbled comments of his master being "whipped." In response, the silver-haired man let his toe catch Pakkun in his hind leg, causing the canine to stumble a bit. Pakkun turned to look back with a slight glare in his gaze; Kakashi looked away innocently.

"I'm serious, sensei! I don't want to be late to Tsunade-shishou's party!"

The party Sakura was referring to was the annual Halloween party Tsunade held. What had started as a party for the leaders of the neighboring countries, was now a party for the entire village. It was a chance for the shinobi to relax; the civilians to have fun; and to celebrate their village in general. If memory served right, this would be the fourth year it was being held.

Kakashi sighed. "Sakura, the party isn't going to suddenly move," he reasoned, referring to how it was always held in the large building next to the Hokage Tower reserved for such occasions.

"That's not the point!" she cried. "If I'm late, I can't enter the costume contest, and like hell am I letting Ino-pig win again this year!" she said, recalling how her rival won dressed as Cammy from Street Fighter.

"I've worked too hard on this costume to let her win again!" she declared as she picked up her pace, her strides matched the firm resolution in her voice.

"…Right…what are you supposed to be again?"

At this, Sakura turned and stared at him with exasperation. "I'm Little Red Riding Hood, sensei. Didn't they ever teach you fairytales in the Academy?" she sighed.

Focusing his gaze a little more, Kakashi looked over her costume. It looked simple enough: a white short pouf-sleeve shirt, a black bodice, and a knee-length red skirt with white knee-socks and a pair of Mary-Jane shoes. However, upon closer inspection, it was evident that her costume was not something to be easily dismissed. A black ribbon was threaded around her shirt collar, topped by a small black bow while the lantern lights caught in the embroidery of the black bodice she wore. A passing breeze ruffled the layers of the petticoat under her skirt and rippled her red hood, causing it to flutter as beautifully and strikingly as the red ribbon in her hair. A small basket rested gently on her arm, no doubt carrying some type of food item; she stared at him expectantly.

Kakashi smiled. "Not really. They were too busy teaching me how to blow people up," he explained.

Sakura merely frowned before stepping out of the lantern light, her clothing changing back from orange to red. They were only three blocks away from the party venue, but she had only gone three steps before stopping with a look of realization on her face.

"Sensei…where's your costume?" she asked, scanning over him with a disapproving frown as she stared at his shinobi uniform.

He raised a finger and poised his mouth for a reply.

"No, you cannot say you're going as a ninja," she said flatly, watching as his body deflated a little. She sighed. "Honestly Kakashi-sensei, it's not going to kill you to be out of uniform for one night, and we are not going anywhere until you dress up. I refuse to be escorted by a party-pooper."

Watching as she tapped her foot impatiently, it became clear to Kakashi he was not worming out of it this year. With a sigh, he surrendered to his fate and raised his hands in defeat before moving his hands to do the appropriate hand signs and disappearing in a poof of smoke.

Sakura coughed as she waved away the smoky clouds, aggravation already on her lips—he better not have run away—only to spy a figure through the smoke. And what was more, he was…

"You're blonde!" Sakura shouted, half in surprise, half in disbelief. Kakashi's response was to flip away some stray strands that had fallen over his eye.

"Yes, I am blonde, Sakura," he replied patiently before dusting over his costume, oblivious to Sakura's stunned stare as she dragged her eyes over his costume, taking in his teased blonde hair, shimmering eye-makeup, the high collar of his dark cape, and the perfectly-fitted shirt he wore underneath; and it took all of Sakura's willpower not to let her eyes stray to the tight-fitting pants she knew would follow.

Leave it to Kakashi to dress up as Jareth from Labyrinth. 

As Sakura peered through the gap in the hands covering her face—why did she have to show Kakashi that movie?—she looked over his (stunning) costume and quickly felt her shock melt into indignation.

"You _CHEATER!_" she screeched, causing Pakkun to whimper slightly at the tone of her voice; curse his sensitive hearing. Kakashi stared at her blandly.

"What is it now?" he asked tonelessly.

"You—your costume—It isn't FAIR! I sewed my costume—_**by hand!**_—and all you did was do a bunch of fancy hand movements and _poof!_ You get an absolutely stunning costume. It just. Isn't. Fair!"

Chest heaving and face flushed by the sheer exertion of her tirade, Sakura continued to glare at Kakashi who merely shrugged off her complaint in favor of stepping around her before pausing. Turning his head, he smiled in a way that was as infuriating and breath-taking as the character he was trying to portray. "It's not my fault you forgot about using genjutsu."

Turning back towards the venue, he prodded Pakkun (who was now dressed as Hoggle) to come along, and with a sweep of his cape, headed towards the party, leaving a stunned Sakura behind.


	28. Dirty

Title: Dirty  
Genre: Humor/ Suspense  
Rating: Older T  
Word Count: 1,763  
Summary: There are some things that should never be said, and things that should never be done.

A/N: I'm back-ish. For those waiting for Fix You, I will probably have an update ready by the end of the month. At the earliest, next week.

* * *

It was bright blue-skied day when Sakura asked, "Why do you read those stupid books?"

She was honestly curious. Now 19, she had the ability to read adult literature without penalty of law. In fact, it was Tsunade who gave her her first Icha Icha book (no doubt a copy given to her by Jiraiya in an attempt to woo her), and looking over the book, she had found it to be of little interest. Sure, there was a plot under all that smut, but where was the drama? Where was the excitement? And for god's sake, why was every woman in a five-mile radius throwing herself at the main character?

Kakashi sent a reproachful look her way. "Now, now, Sakura. No need to insult literature you don't like by calling it 'stupid.' As for why I read it, it's to pass the time. Have to do something while I'm hiding in the bushes waiting for you guys to find me."

Sakura snorted. "I highly doubt that you're just reading it for fun if you start foaming at the mouth when Naruto drops by with a new copy for you," she said recalling the little incident on the rooftop four years ago. Kakashi had looked like he was going to faint.

"Fine. It has a good plot," he stated offhandedly, nose once again buried in the book.

"Taking back your answer?" she asked peevishly.

"You obviously weren't satisfied with my first one."

Sakura huffed indignantly and looked at him over the arms crossed over her chest. "You know what I think?" she began.

Kakashi made a halfhearted grunt. No, he didn't know what she thought and honestly didn't care at the moment. Junko was in the lair of the wicked femme fatale Hanako, after all.

"_So you think you can save your girlfriend from my minions? You think you won't sway from her? You think love can really prevail?" Hanako asked mockingly._

_Junko nodded. "I know so."_

_Hanako licked her lips and hooked her gloved hands in his shirt, her breath ghosting over his lips. "Show me then," she purred as she slipped off her skin-tight dress and placed his hand over her ample—_

"Hey!" Kakashi shouted as he watched his book sway loosely between Sakura's fingers, eyes studying the book critically.

"I think you like reading about this stuff more than the real thing," she stated, pulling the book away from his grasping hands and hiding it behind her back, smirking as she watched him glare at her in irritation. He was mad? Good. Serves him right for reading this garbage.

"Sakura, I assure you I much prefer the real thing to just reading about it," he said patiently, but she could still hear the clipped undertones in his voice. Apparently, she'd interrupted him at a particularly good bit.

"Then maybe you just can't get it often enough. After all, I haven't seen you with anyone lately," she said impishly. His gaze narrowed at her.

"Sakura…give it back."

Sakura met his narrowed gaze with one of her own. "What are you going to do if I don't? _Spank me?_" she said challengingly.

Kakashi shifted his tense shoulders, his fingers opening and closing against the tension building in his body. "Sakura…" he growled warningly.

"What? I'm just curious is all," she said with an innocence that didn't reach her eyes. Flopping onto her stomach, she skimmed through the book and wrinkled her nose at the picture opposite the page she stopped on. "I don't get why you like reading this stuff at all. It's garbage," she criticized.

Kakashi made a grab and frowned deeply when it evaded his grasp. "Maybe if you weren't such a prude, you'd enjoy it more," he replied, an edge to his tone. Normally, he wouldn't be so affected by this little game of cat-and-mouse, but it'd been raining for days lately and during that time, he'd been on a very difficult mission. Today was supposed to be his rest day and what was supposed to be a relaxing day of catching up on the latest Icha Icha book was rapidly turning sour for his taut nerves.

Sakura gave a scandalized gasp. "I am _not_ a prude!" she said affronted by his insinuation. He ignored her angry gaze in favor of asking a question he knew would rile her up more. If he was going to suffer on his one vacation day, so would she.

"Then why are you so hostile towards Icha Icha? What has it ever done to you?" he asked.

"I told you before: it's stupid!" she retorted angrily, book still clasped in her hand.

"How?"

"It's completely unrealistic! I mean, Junko falls in love with a girl who is dating another man, and when the man dies, he denies his feelings for the girl—that I get. What I don't get is why after realizing their mutual feelings, she is immediately kidnapped and he must search for her through miles and miles of forest, jungle, and desert—all of which just _happen_ to have caravans of buxom women desperate for a man, thankful lords with daughters wanting to screw with the man who just saved them, or scantily-clad ninja who just happen to melt into a puddle of goo without him even touching them.

"And don't get my started on the villains! I mean, there've been like 64 in the entire series. Twenty have been in the same forest, all with large, grand estates. Is there a real estate boom there for villains? And why are they all oblivious to each other when they live so close to each other? And why are they all the same? I couldn't even tell the villains apart after a while!

"And it's so cheesy! After sleeping with the girl's evil twin sister and making her leave, he reforms his playboy ways and vows for their love to triumph over all. Meanwhile, he's sleeping with women left and right and _sideways!_—just to prove that his heart belongs to one woman. Shouldn't he just go look for her? What's the point with all the sex he's having? Shouldn't there be a refractory period too? He slept with eight women in a row in one chapter! And they all fall in love with him after he sleeps with them! He might have just given them twelve different sexually-transmitted diseases and they're in love with him? And his girlfriend is supposed to be fine that he's slept with all these women? It's not right!" she screamed, chest rising and falling from the effort of her rant. Even her hair had fallen out of sorts in some places and raising a hand up, she flipped her bangs out of her face.

Kakashi stared at her. "Are you done?"

Sakura swallowed, working moisture back into her mouth and wiped the thin film of sweat on her brow. "Yes. Yes, I am done."

"Good. Now it's my turn." He stood up and dusted off the grass from his pants, moving until he was right in front of her and she mentally cursed. Darn him. He was using his height as an advantage and though she tried not to, she felt like she was a twelve-yr-old genin being scolded by her sensei all over again.

She looked up, swallowing nervously when he trained his eyes on her. Letting it slide to the side, she followed his gaze to the book peeking behind her back and winced when she felt him snatch it back. Feeling its satisfying weight back in his hands, he stared down at her coldly.

"Though you've made some good points, did you ever consider this book wasn't made to be a serious novel? That it was just a pleasure read?"

At this, Sakura stared wide-eyed at her former teacher, mouth opening and closing as she struggled to find a fitting rebuttal. No, she had never considered it was to be a pleasure read. She knew it was to be read_ for_ pleasure, but she never thought of it as a book to read for fun.

'_Shit.'_ She was caught—blindsided by her own righteousness and Kakashi was still there, still looming over her menacingly as he waited for her to concede. He was right, she knew, but she didn't want him to know he was right. She didn't want to apologize for childish behavior; it was already embarrassing enough.

And so, she did the only thing she could do: she snatched the book and ran.

"Sakura!" Kakashi shouted, but Sakura ignored it in favor of rushing away as she shouted in her mind _'.'_

Suddenly, she felt a presence behind her and she let out a small 'Eep!' as she stared into the angry glare of her former sensei. Pushing chakra to her feet, she made a sharp turn in hopes of losing him when she felt his weight collide into her body. To make matters worse, her foot got caught in a gopher hole, sending her and the book flying. Feeling it slip from her grasp, she scrambled for the flying object, fighting against Kakashi's similarly outstretched hand when gravity took over, bringing both into a spectacular crash of limbs to the ground that knocked the wind out of her chest. Struggling under the arm thrown across her shoulders, Sakura caught her breath and looked up just in time to see the book do an elegant arc straight into a mud puddle with a loud 'SPLAT!'

The body haphazardly draped over hers suddenly tensed.

"Kakashi…" she began warily.

"That book was a limited special collector's edition signed by Jiraiya himself," he said tonelessly.

"Kakashi…Ah!" she yelped as she felt herself being suddenly pulled up by the seat of her pants. Shocked, she looked up wildly at the man glaring daggers down at her. Suddenly, the idea of looking at the floor again seemed really good.

"You are going to be punished for what you've done. And I don't mean just buying me a new one."

At his curt, clipped tone, Sakura whimpered. She'd never seen Kakashi this mad before.

She yelped again louder when she felt herself being hefted into the space between his arm and his side like a sack of flour as he made his way down the hill. She glanced up hesitantly to gauge his reaction. He hadn't spoken since he'd told her she was going to be punished, but surely, he wasn't too mad about this.

His gaze slipped to the corners of his eyes to glare down at her; she whimpered audibly. She only hoped her punishment wasn't too bad.


	29. Principessa

Title: Principessa  
Genre: Humor/Romance. Mostly Romance.  
Rating: K+  
Word Count: 404  
Summary: In every fairytale, the girl married a rich, charming man and had a nice house. Sakura managed to complete those requirements with a masked man who read porn.

**A/N: I'm sorry about such a late update. I was staring at screens for so long, I had to take a reading break to save my vision. I'm also working on an art trade with my friend, but now that I'm almost done, I'm writing things for Collection. This one is hot off the presses. So, how was your summer so far? :)**

WARNING: Severe fluff alert. I blame it on finishing Pride & Prejudice this week. (DarcyxElizabeth forever!)

* * *

Sakura smiled as the front door was swung wide open, giggling girlishly as she was whisked inside, carried by her fiancée-now husband. They were now in their new home—the new home that he had built for them, and while she still couldn't believe they were married, she also couldn't believe they had a home of their own now.

"You know, I still feel like you're spoiling me too much," Sakura murmured uneasily as she tried not to fidget too much on her husband's shoulder (Ino had not-too-subtly told her that she was rather bony, despite her modest curves).

"Really? I don't think you're being spoiled enough." At the mildly annoyed expression she gave, he sighed and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Sakura, don't worry about it. I still have plenty of money left in my bank account—see, bill-skipping does come in handy—and I gave you such a hard time when you were pursuing me. Just…let me try and make it up to you," he told her.

Her feet touching the floor of their home for the first time, Sakura squirmed a little—her heart still wasn't ready for the power of his heartfelt confessions—and after a while, smiled despite herself. "Trying to buy my affections, huh Kakashi?"

Kakashi chuckled breathily and smiled patiently. "Sakura, if I could, I'd buy you the world," he confessed, making Sakura blush. She knew he meant it—Kakashi was a man of his word—and with the bank account he held, she was half prone to believe it. In the back of her mind, she was still flabbergasted that she had, in fact, married rich as well as for love.

Waiting for Sakura to collect herself, Kakashi smiled from beneath his mask to bow, his arms held out before him. "And now my lady, your carriage awaits."

"A prince and now a horse too? I don't think I can believe this," she said with a teasing smile as she crossed her fingers behind his neck.

"Well, I have been called a stallion be—"

"Stop," she said, flushing bright red. Amused, but choosing to say nothing, he merely adjusted his hold on her. "Ready to go?"

"Whisk me away, dear prince," she laughed.

"Yes, my lady," he said carrying her towards the next room. Inwardly, Sakura giggled, hoping this trend wouldn't continue. She didn't think she could handle it if he called her "princess."


	30. Every Inch

Title: Every Inch  
Genre: Romance/Humor  
Rating: M for innuendo. (Oh, and some smut.)  
Word Count: 310  
Summary: In sex, every inch counts.

_A/N: This can be thought of as part of the same universe as Principessa. Truth be told, this was the original idea while Principessa was actually a spinoff because the writing was going in the wrong direction. Yes, I think innuendo is funny. I blame my history of English teachers._

* * *

Sakura smiled and upon escaping Kakashi's hold, eagerly went to run her hands over the smooth granite counter.

"This kitchen is amazing!" she exclaimed as she spun looking around the newly remodeled room. Kakashi had a house built for Sakura as a wedding present, promising that it would be the house of her dreams, and he hadn't disappointed. She'd only seen the entry way and the kitchen, but she was already in love with the large sink, stainless steel appliances, and the granite countertop.

"I can't wait to cook in here! Oh, what should I make as our first meal here? It'll be so easy to clean and—Eep!" she squeaked as she felt herself lifted onto the countertop as the same hands began divesting her of her panties from under her skirt.

"Kakashi!" she shrieked in embarrassment, "I don't think we're supposed to do this on kitchen count-ERS!"

Her voice pitched two octaves higher as she felt the intrusion of two fingers into her. Kakashi, aside from a slight wince and a smug smirk, gave no reaction as he probed her opening. Mask pooled around his neck, she was able to see the full extent of his self-satisfaction as he smiled up at her.

"Sakura, I paid for this house and I will do whatever I want in this house. And what I want is to have sex with you in this house and I won't stop until we've done it on every inch of the house," he told her resolutely.

Sakura's head spun at the idea. How would they—? How was she—? Did that mean the ceiling too? Oh god, he was kidding, right?

One look at him unfortunately assured her he wasn't. But still… "Every inch?" she asked hesitantly.

"_Every_ inch," he reemphasized before claiming her lips and reaching into her shirt, unhooking her bra.


	31. Karma

Title: Karma  
Genre: Humor  
Rating: T  
Word Count: 205  
Summary: Karma- (n.) action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation.

Just a short little drabble. Sorry I've been dead for so long. To be honest, I lost a lot of inspiration to write last year. It just wasn't fun anymore and felt more like a chore at best. But after I kept away for two years, I realize how much I miss writing and how much I miss all my readers and this site. College life has been the break I needed to get my life together and now that I have free time, I feel like I can do more things. Updates will be done in between work (I work part-time selling mochi) and school (taking Japanese!), but I do promise to write. However, the Naruto series seems to be losing its edge. It just doesn't seem like the Naruto that kept me hooked to the edge of my seat five years ago. Is it just me or do you feel that way too?

But what I wanted to say most in this post is: _To my readers, to the people who have followed me since I started in 2006 and those who have only recently seen my work and everywhere in between, thank you for staying with me. You have no idea how happy I am to see those review alerts in my inbox, or how much my face lights up and my day is brightened when I read your reviews. It tells me that people still read my work and still love these stories as much as I do, and I am grateful that my work is in your loving hands and hearts. Thank you with all the love I hold in my heart and hands,_

_-_moodiful819

* * *

Hatake Kakashi was not a very religious man. He did the obligatory New Year's visit to the temple; the measured ritual of prayer to the dead; the occasional funeral rites to a fallen comrade—but that was the general extent of his religious observation. Even if asked what he did believe in, his response would only be a brief list of two items: 1) There was a higher being and 2) that karma did exist.

Yes, believe it or not, but karma was the one thing in the world that Kakashi would believe in. He never confessed it out loud, but he knew it did. One did not spend their life losing loved ones left and right without thinking of having done some wrong sometime in their life, and he was sure that he'd burn in hell for all the people he'd killed over the years. However, that was the extent to his belief.

But as he sat on his couch on the brink of a heart attack, pondering the idea that a just retribution would be given following a person's action, he had to wonder if Sakura tripping in front of him and showing her lace panties to him was good karma or bad.


	32. Something Borrowed

Title: Something Borrowed  
Genre: Drama/Humor  
Rating: T bordering M  
Word Count: 734  
Summary: In which Kakashi tries to dress like a civilian and is foiled by ramen in a dresser.

* * *

Kakashi was not normally very caring of his clothing.

After all, as a ninja, one's clothes were apt to being torn, ripped, burned, shredded, soaked in mud and sweat, or soiled. To get attached to one uniform was silly and a waste of both time and energy, which was why Kakashi did not usually care for his clothes.

That is, except for one thing. Despite his entire wardrobe being almost nothing but jounin-issue wear, Kakashi did own one bit of civilian-wear. It was nothing special, just a white T-shirt with a large black shuriken over the stomach received as a house-warming gift from Genma when he moved into his first apartment. Three moves later and a wonderful upgrade in housewarming gifts to alcohol, Kakashi still had the shirt and had not worn it once—something he felt slightly guilty of.

But he had the day off tomorrow, and perhaps it would be nice to bring out the garment. He had no doubt it would fit—Genma had gotten it a few sizes too large years ago to account for his still-growing body—maybe a change of pace in his clothing would be good for him given the increasingly warm weather in Konoha lately.

And it was with that thought that Kakashi laid the T-shirt over the back of his chair before going to bed. However, when he awoke, it was no longer on his chair and confused, Kakashi looked around only to find his shirt thrown elsewhere.

Onto someone's body.

"Sakura…"

At her name, the pink-haired girl looked up from her magazine and greeted him, "Hi Kakashi-sensei."

"Not to be rude or anything, but what are you doing in my apartment?" he asked the 16-yr-old girl wearing his T-shirt. At the query, Sakura's mildly-cheery disposition soured.

"Naruto barged into my room his morning with takeout and tripped on the window track, spilling ramen all over the laundry I had done last night. Naruto's there right now cleaning up the mess, but because I had to rewash everything I owned—don't ask how ramen got into my dresser—I came here to borrow a shirt. I'm waiting for my laundry to finish right now," she explained before slightly shrugging her shoulder. "And when I came in this morning, I saw the shirt on the chair and since you never wear civilian clothes, I thought it would be okay to take this one."

Watching as she tugged pointedly at his shirt, Kakashi inwardly sighed and silently cursed the open-window policy he had set up for his students back when they were genin (since they never used it as children, he didn't suppose they would start _now_).

Not to mention the slight disappointment he felt at not being able to wear his shirt (childish as it may seem, he was kind of looking forward to wearing it) and gave a slightly mournful look at the T-shirt, despairing their seemingly star-crossed fate…

Only to quickly look away when he noticed something poke out at the fabric.

Kakashi quickly pulled his gaze away. She couldn't seriously be…but she had said she had to rewash _everything_—but still! It couldn't be possible.

But it was, confirmed when he stole another peek from the corner of his eyes. Still mourning his shirt, he forced his gaze away before he could notice the rosy pink of her nipple shining through the sheer fabric in the sun. Morbidly, a part of him wondered if she was wearing any panties during this little visit before shoving the disgusting (mildly-arousing) thought aside.

"Kakashi-sensei, if you were going to do something with this shirt today, I could take it off and grab one of your old jounin shirts instead," she told him. She had been catching him eyeing her shirt with a mildly disappointed look—which was unbelievably rare for the often-stoic nin—and quickly grabbed the hem and began pulling it off, unaware of the panty-flash (white bikini-cut with green stripes, he noticed) and mild- heart attack she gave her teacher as she continued to lift the shirt over her stomach.

Suddenly, he was at her side, a stilling hand on her shoulder as he looked off to the side, a hand over the lower portion of his face.

"No. It's fine. Keep the shirt, Sakura. I'll just wear something else today," he told her before disappearing into the bathroom for a long, cold shower.


	33. Something Borrowed II

Title: Something Borrowed II  
Genre: Humor  
Rating: T+  
Word Count: 445  
Summary: Sakura has a new habit, which wouldn't normally bother him if it wasn't going to get him castrated.

I tried to go one direction with this, but now it's just all bleh. Sigh, uncooperative days.

* * *

It was known throughout Konoha that Kakashi had the patience of a saint. After all, to have dealt with the rambunctious Team 7 for all these years without snapping, one needed an unlimited wealth of patience. However, he found that wealth running dry as Kakashi placed a hand over his face, pinching the sudden point of tension between his knitted brows.

"Sakura, I don't have time for this," he told the woman wearing his dress-shirt—his _only_ dress shirt.

Watching her shake her head and move away, Kakashi sighed against the hand hovering over his face. Recently, ever since that day she borrowed his T-shirt years ago, Sakura had taken to borrowing his other clothes, and while he was normally happy to oblige her little wardrobe-raids, he needed that shirt for the formal jounin-function tonight—an affair he couldn't be late for lest Tsunade have his head (as well as other body parts he was too afraid to mention).

"Sakura, you know I can't be late. They're giving me an award tonight." Which was the only reason he was even bothering with this entire affair because while he normally skipped such events, Tsunade had been very serious in her warning that if he didn't show up to receive his award from her, he could find himself on nothing but D-rank missions for the next two years in addition to his castration and decapitation.

At his attempt to catch her with his hand, Sakura scrambled away on his bed, giving him a marvelous view of the creamy skin of her thighs as her underwear flashed briefly before his eyes—Pink stripes this time, he noted—before she settled by the headboard, the pin-striped dress shirt hugging her devilishly-sinful curves. The shirt was painfully good-looking on her, and she seemed to know it too judging by that lick of her lips.

"Kakashi, if you want this shirt, you're going to have to take it off me," she said teasingly, an impish smile dancing on her lips.

The silver-haired man chuckled briefly—so she wanted to play this game?—but crawled onto the bed nonetheless, ready to oblige his girlfriend as he hovered her over, catching her lips as he began to undo the buttons to remove the shirt, smiling into the kiss when he found her lacking a bra once more.

Feeling Sakura smile into the kiss, he gently tipped her down into the bed to take his time. After all, he was already renowned for his tardiness, and as long as he showed up in time to get his award, there was no problem.

So it wouldn't hurt to be a little late one more time.


	34. Nurse Maid

Title: Nurse Maid  
Genre: Humor/General  
Rating: T  
Word Count: 566  
Summary: After this, she wouldn't be surprised if she broke her own legs.

* * *

When Kakashi broke his leg, Sakura honestly thought it would be an easy assignment. Though any medic could've easily repaired his leg, Kakashi had been pulling back-to-back missions when he got this injury, and by order of Tsunade, he was to go rest. It was an ingenious plan. Even Kakashi would have to admit defeat to a broken leg if no medic would heal it for fear of the wrath of the Hokage.

Of course, that meant Kakashi would need help doing things around his apartment, and just to be nice, she allowed Kakashi to pick his nursemaid. After all, he was going to be stuck with them for a few weeks and Tsunade told her it was with a large smile under his mask that he chose Sakura.

Now when Sakura heard this, she was touched. That Kakashi-sensei thought so highly of her was a great honor, and she eagerly headed over to help him, ready to do whatever.

_Oh, how she regretted that now._

To say Kakashi was a hard-ass was an understatement. Of course, she knew why he was. When serving in the field, perfection was demanded. Every action you did had to be your best and you could only get that way with training. But this was his apartment! Not some swamp in the Grass Country! She had only been in his apartment ten seconds when he threw a list of chores at her. Though she reasoned that it was only natural he'd need help with that (last time she checked, he had only been home three times in the last six months) and he deserved a little pampering in his condition, it was when she opened the little bow tied on the list that she took that statement back.

As soon as that string was released, the list unraveled and what had seemed like ten chores was now spanning a river of paper that pooled itself ankle-deep at her feet. Sakura skimmed over the list.

'Wash the dishes. Water the plants. Help Ms. Watanabe next door with her tap dance lessons. Rewire my apartment…' And that was only the first part of the paper, and judging by the size of his handwriting, these chores spanned into the thousands.

Reading her chores with dread, she chanced a glance up with her maker when she found him smiling at her. That bastard, he was practically flat-out grinning at her, and she could feel the sides of the paper crumpling in her fingers as she tried to glare holes into his head. Kakashi took it all in stride and if it was possible, he smiled even wider.

"You haven't even read the last part," he said cheerily and not trusting his tone, she immediately flew through the paper to see the last item.

At the bottom of the page, with the most ornate and legible handwriting she had ever seen from Hatake Kakashi, were the words: "And you must do it all wearing a maid uniform."

He even had the gall to put a little happy face with it and when Sakura looked up, hoping—pleading—_begging _that this was just Kakashi teasing her and this was all just a big joke that they would all look back and laugh about, she felt her heart sink. In Kakashi's hands, hanging neatly from a metal hanger, was a French maid uniform.

Sakura felt like crying.


	35. Questionable

Title: Questionable  
Genre: Humor/ Suspense with light romance, I guess?  
Rating: T (almost M)  
Word Count: 556  
Summary: It was one of the most famous questions in history. Boxers? Or Briefs?

* * *

It was a cloudy, overcast day in spring when Sakura, Ino, and Hinata sat on a bench. It was Sakura and Ino's lunch break, and on the way to get some food, they had run into Hinata. Taking her with them, they bought a small lunch and went to the park to eat and catch up. It was pleasant enough, mostly talking about Neji and Tenten's burgeoning relationship through the mouth of Hinata and Ino's most recent failure of a date when the conversation suddenly verged onto the subject of Sakura's former teacher, Kakashi—more specifically, his choice in underwear. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew this was somehow Ino's fault.

"I think he's the type to wear boxers. He seems like the type of guy to do that. What do you think, Hinata?" Ino asked.

"I th-th-think b-briefs," she stammered, only a small trace of a blush on her face.

Ino nodded sagely at the answer. Briefs were a possibility as well since no doubt it was uncomfortable running through trees in only boxers (where was the support?). As for not pressing further on Hinata—she did have the Byakugan, after all—both Ino and Sakura knew Hinata was much too innocent a girl to do such a thing.

Turning to the third member of their bench-sitting group, the pushy blonde demanded her answer. "Come on forehead, you should know. After all, you're one of the few people he lets treat him."

But she didn't. He was usually already changed into a hospital gown by the time she entered the room, and she told them that.

Ino huffed in irritation and crossed her arms under her chest. "Fine. What do you think he wears, then?"

Sakura stared in shock at the girl. Sure, she and Kakashi had been equals for a few years now, and Kakashi wasn't and hadn't been her teacher in years. But still! This was Kakashi! It was just wrong to think of him in that way (even if she had to admit he was _very_ good-looking under that mask).

Before Sakura could reply, a voice interrupted her, its low timbre in combination with the breath brushing hotly on the shell of ear sending shivers and tingles over her body as it whispered huskily, "Nothing."

Sakura didn't even have to look away from the shocked stares of Ino and Hinata to know who the sudden intruder was. She knew that voice anywhere, but found herself too frozen to turn and acknowledge him.

Feeling him lower himself to her ear once more as a paper bag crunched and its contents rustled (he must have been grocery shopping when he stumbled upon the conversation), she felt him smile against her skin. Suddenly, every nerve was screaming as the scent of shampoo and sandalwood wreathed her senses. Chuckling at her arrested state, he brought the gap between them even smaller, hovering over her shoulder. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see his mask and the faint silvery strands of his hair, and it was all she could do not to lean back and moan as she melted into his skin.

"If you don't believe me Sakura, come stop by my apartment tonight," he whispered. And suddenly he was gone.

Later that night, three women were spotted outside his window.


	36. The Kissing Fiend

Title: The Kissing Fiend  
Genre: Humor/Romance?  
Rating: T  
Word Count: 974  
Summary: When Sakura has to complete a bet by sundown, she gets some unexpected help in the most surprising of places.

* * *

It was rare that Sakura woke up cursing the world. Then again, she usually didn't wake up to strange things on her forehead.

'_I am never drinking alone with Ino ever again,'_ Sakura vowed as she planted a kiss on the hapless Hyuuga Neji, rounding the corner just in time to avoid the spray of his choked splutters of embarrassment, no doubt trying to wipe the traces of the pink-haired medic from his virgin lips. Glancing up at her forehead, Sakura frowned.

Not good. She needed more.

Spotting her next target, she stuck out her arm and caught the side of a lamp post, steering her force to vault into Ichiraku before planting a kiss on Naruto, leaping out with a wrinkle of her nose. He'd gotten the garlic ramen, Sakura thought with a frown as she angrily gnashed at the breath mints she popped into her mouth. Another glance at her forehead.

Still not enough, she told herself, and her mind immediately went through the list of people she knew, crossing and ruling out names as she raced through the crowded streets and dodged vendor stalls. In addition to the two new targets, she'd gotten Sai, Konohamaru, and Yamato-taichou as well as some of the interns at the hospital. The lips gloss she put on this morning was plain-gone by now, but even as she wet her lips with her tongue, it wasn't enough. She needed more.

But who hadn't she kissed already?

Suddenly, a name popped out at her. Kakashi! She hadn't kissed him yet and she knew just where to find him too!

Planting her foot firmly into the ground, she turned on her heel and raced off to where she knew he would be.

* * *

She found him, as expected, splayed out with his trademark orange book covering his face, his usual pose when he reserved Training ground 9 for the day. Actually, the only thing surprising about it was that he was lying in the grass this time and not in a tree, and she stopped at his side, dropping to her knees warily. He was probably sleeping, she thought with some guilt recalling the difficult mission he just came back from.

But desperate times called for desperate measures, and plucking the book from his face, she leaned in for a quick peck and pulled back for the withdraw.

Only to find her escape stopping short. Looking down, she found a pair of hands encircling her wrists. Damn it, he was awake.

"Sakura, it's rude to kiss a sleeping person and run," he said sitting up, his grip on her wrists not letting go. "After all, isn't this the part where we get married and live happily ever after?"

"You're no prince, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura retorted tugging at her wrists. Her knees, planted on either side of his waist, dug into the dirt for more leverage. "Now stop it and let me go!"

"Not until you tell me what this is all about." To prove his point, the grip on her wrist tightened slightly.

Her tongue touched her teeth and a frustrated sound escaped her. "Fine! Ino and I got plastered last night to celebrate our day-off today and we made a bet on who could get kissed the most before sunset. I thought it was a joke, so I slept in but it apparently wasn't and now I have this on my forehead."

Smoothing back the bangs that had fallen over her face, the two looked at the small pink '38' blinking on her forehead right between her brows.

"There's another counter on my wrist telling me Ino's count. First one to a hundred wins the bet. Ino's at 72," she explained despairingly.

"So why don't you just lose?"

Sakura dragged a hand over her face. "Because we bet our next two paychecks and while Ino has the luxury of her paycheck from her parent's store to fall back on, I don't. And you know I'm fixing my apartment for leaks."

Tired and stressed, the weight of all her problems seemed to come crashing down on Sakura, folding and crumpling the poor girl. At her frustration and obvious loss of what to do, Kakashi frowned. She shouldn't be made to suffer like this.

"I'll help you," he said at last, feeling Sakura instantly perk up in his lap. A smile glowed on her lips as she wondered what he would do. After all, there was nothing in the rules against helping and she wondered if he would help her set up a kissing booth like Ino did or give her a list of people he knew, only for her world to abruptly spin. Staring up, she saw Kakashi hovering over her, his arms on either side of her head. Beneath her, she felt the grass brush her ear from a cool breeze.

"Sensei, wha—?" she began, only to be cut off by a kiss.

"You only said that the first person to a hundred kisses wins. There's no rule against kissing the same person twice," he uttered softly against her lips. As if to prove his point, the pink number on her forehead turned into a small flashing '39;' she could feel his smirk against her lips.

"Now come on, we have a lot of work to do." And with that, he pulled down his mask and covered her lips once more.

And as Sakura's mind spun—because really, this was Kakashi who was kissing her—_and kissing her more than once now_—and he had taken off his mask and even that glimpse of him was drop-dead gorgeous and she might really just win this and shove Ino's kissing booth scam off a cliff for her cheating, whorish ways or she could still lose—she knew one thing for certain.

Kakashi was one hell of a kisser.


	37. Bridesmaid

Title: Bridesmaid  
Genre: Humor  
Rating: T  
Word Count: 349  
Summary: In which Kakashi professes to wanting to see Sakura naked and Sakura hopes it's only because she's had too much to drink.

Came up with this in the middle of the night when I was trying to go back to sleep and the hall light foiled me. The color is inspired by this bright, hot-fuchsia smartcar my brother and I saw on my way back from work.

* * *

Throwing back a glass of wine, Sakura scowled. "I can't believe she's making me wear this."

The 'this' Sakura was referring to was a bright fuchsia bridesmaid dress courtesy of Ino for her wedding. Though she supposed that as Maid of Honor, she should be happy and proud to be by her friend's side for her wedding to her childhood friend, Shikamaru, it did nothing to temper the ire she felt toward the monstrosity she was wearing.

Honestly, Sakura thought Ino had better fashion-sense than this. Though the color was quite stunning, there was a large cloth accessory on the sole strap of the dress that almost looked like a wing was erupting from her chest and the A-line cut made it look like Sakura was wearing a purple sack with a drawstring right under her chest just so it would stay on.

"If it helps, I can't believe you're wearing that either," a voice supplied from beside her.

Sakura frowned. "You're not helping, Kakashi-sensei," she said irritably as she refilled her wine glass. "And why are you here anyway?"

Kakashi reclined in his chair at the bridal party table. "Well, you know Chouji is still on that mission in Iwa and Asuma is no longer on this earth, so I was the next option," he explained, missing the roll of Sakura's eyes beside him.

She knew that. She meant why was he still here beside her, but Kakashi's inability to look underneath the underneath sometimes was a given and with another look of distaste at her dress, she took another sip of her wine glass.

"You know, you can just _take off_ your dress," Kakashi suggested when he caught her staring at her clothing hatefully once more. Actually, even before he walked down the aisle with her as best man, she'd been glaring at her dress.

The pink-haired medic snorted softly into her drink, the glass fogging for a brief second as a wry, joking smile tugged at her lips. "You just want to see me naked."

Kakashi shrugged. "Maybe."

Sakura's eyes grew as large as dinner plates.


	38. Groomsmen

Title: Groomsmen  
Genre: Romance/Humor  
Rating: T  
Word Count: 393  
Summary: They were supposed to be like another decoration at the wedding. So why was she learning more about Kakashi than she ever wanted to know?

* * *

Wedding days were always full of demands, and she supposed after enduring twenty-one years of them, Sakura should've known this would happen. Especially when the bride was her loud, obnoxious best friend, Ino.

So when her harsh bark of "You better catch this, forehead girl!" was shouted across the dance floor, Sakura did her duty and raised her hands in an attempt to catch it (or at least, look like she was trying. The bridal toss was always degrading to her).

But it seemed like Ino had sensed her lukewarm feelings because even when she moved to the table at the edge of the wooden dance area to escape the blinding spotlights on the bridal party table, she managed to catch it. Not that she did anything to deserve it. It fell directly into her lap (a side-effect of having a wedding party made of ninjas, she supposed.).

And as the women on the floor applauded reluctantly, all stung that they were not the next one to be married, Sakura sat staring at the bunch of white calla lilies in her hands as she wondered what to do with the blasted object. She knew she wouldn't be getting married anytime soon.

At the sound of squeaking grass, the pink-haired maid of honor looked up to find the best man walking towards her, a small white band hanging off the edge of his fingers. "I caught the garter."

Sakura's eyes widened. In the background, the photographer was frantically trying to catch up to the bouquet-garter duo, having fallen behind taking pictures of the bride and groom. He would arrive in three minutes, Sakura assumed.

"If you're going to do that stupid tradition about putting it on me, you're wrong." Not only did she find that tradition dumb, Ino wore it and Kami knew what she had been doing while she had been wearing it. Besides…

"And if you were hoping to have me wear nothing but that, I don't like garters. They're tacky," Sakura frowned, only to have Kakashi shrug once more.

"It's okay. I'm more of a lace-man anyway," he confessed.

By the time the photographer came around, the only shot he could get was of the maid of honor frantically smacking the best man with her bouquet, a deep blush of mortification on her face as Kakashi tried to shield his head.


	39. Book Club

Title: Book Club  
Genre: Humor/slight romance?  
Rating: T  
Word Count: 742  
Summary: Because innuendo about books can be just as bad as innuendo in books.

* * *

"I disagree, Ino. I find the dark, weird stuff more stimulating."

The sentence, uttered by the Weapon's Mistress of Konoha, was enough to make Kakashi stop dead in his tracks.

He was just shy of the widening of the hallway leading to the kitchen and living room, standing frozen stiff as a board as he searched the recesses of his mind for an explanation for the multiple female voices he was hearing on his day off. Sakura had mentioned something about a gathering last night before he passed out, but honestly he'd been so exhausted by his mission that he didn't care as long as he had a bed underneath him.

Now, frozen in place as his stomach growled and kicked at him, reminding him why he had left the comfort of his bed in the first place, he debated venturing further. Should he brush it off as a mere misunderstanding and quietly retrieve something from the kitchen and retreat to do some light reading, or should he abort his mission entirely and bid a safe retreat?

"Well fine, Tenten. But I still think you're wrong. A slow and steady pace is key for a pleasurable experience," the blonde Yamanaka girl voiced, causing Kakashi to quickly clamp a hand over his choking mouth. Had he really just heard her say that? What kind of female gathering had he just stumbled upon?

In his mind's eye, as he imagined the women sitting scattered throughout his living room lounging peaceably, he still couldn't believe it. The picture of such a quiet domestic scene did not match what his ears were hearing. Hinata's ears must have been beyond red at the conversation, or at least that was the thought until he heard her say, "I agree with Tenten, Ino-chan. A fast pace is better, especially since I have to do it in the break between meetings at home."

His eyes almost burst out of his head at these newfound bits of information—that Tenten was a kinky dominatrix and that Hinata did quickies with Naruto in the Hyuuga compound. Inwardly, he could feel himself turning green. Learning the sex lives of people almost half his age—_especially_ that of his former students—eye contact with Naruto was sure to be avoided—was something Kakashi did not enjoy.

"What about you, forehead?" Ino asked and Kakashi could just imagine the others leaning in closer to hear her answer. Kakashi found himself pressing closer as well.

"It depends, I guess," she pondered thoughtfully, causing Kakashi to nod slightly to himself. Unlike his past partners, Sakura had no definite preference for the pacing of their late-night liaisons. How it played out did depend on her mood, whether it be the frenzied secret meeting in a broom closet they shared a few months ago or the tender night they had before he left on his mission.

"But I do think that the longer and thicker it is, the better," Sakura suddenly opined and reflexively, his eyes traveled to his own package. Briefly, a feeling worry floated over him—was she making a comment about him, he wondered—only to quickly shove the thought aside. He already knew he was above-average in that area and even if he wasn't the largest Sakura ever had, his skill more than made up for any difference in size.

"Oh yeah? Fine. What was it then? What was the longest, thickest one you've had then?" Ino asked sordidly. Again, the women were leaning in close to hear and Kakashi found himself leaning in closer too, determined to find out who Sakura's largest lover was even if it was for childish male-ego competitions.

A pregnant pause. Then, "Well…I guess it was…"

Her voice fell hushed; Kakashi moved closer to the corner of the turn in the wall. Unfortunately, in his quest to lean in further to hear, he'd misjudged his balance, landing in a clatter on the floor.

Shaking his head to recover use of his senses, he looked up only to find four confused kunoichi looking at him, a similarly-covered book in each of their hands with not a sordid thing in sight. Actually, the most scandalous thing he could find was the bottle of wine opened between the four of them.

And as if it wasn't already embarrassing enough, closest to him, Sakura leaned in her chair, a peeved look on her face. "Kakashi, what are you doing? You're interrupting our book club!"


	40. Problems

Title: Problems  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Rating: M  
Word Count: 628  
Summary: In which Kakashi laments being male and his perversity hits an all-new low.

Inspired by a scene in Hapi Mari shortly after the main characters consummate their marriage and Hokuto laments being horny just by seeing Chiwa's sleeping face.

And on another note, I wrote this WAY before I knew about 50 Shades of Grey and that toothbrush-fetishism excerpt going around tumblr. I thought it was a joke—no one could honestly sexualize brushing your teeth. _(Guess who was wrong.)_

* * *

It was a Sunday morning when Kakashi decided that there were definite disadvantages being a man.

For instance, puberty was much more trying—death threats were never quite effective with cracking voices—and there was the fact that men were more likely to die doing something stupid than their female counterparts. Not that he had much to worry since he was well out of the age group where reckless behavior was considered an apparent danger, but still there were other problems.

Bathrooms were always a problem. Though he supposed men had it much easier than women since they could pick a tree or something, there was limited privacy in those small partitions between urinals, and morning wood was a problem no matter where one was.

Not to mention clothes shopping. Even though most of what he wore were jounin-issue uniforms, whenever he had to buy formal wear for a mission or a formal gathering or even regular civilian clothing for reconnaissance, men's clothing always seemed to cost an arm and a leg. (Plus, those ties were incredibly restricting.)

Still, he supposed men had it easy compared to women for some things. After all, men didn't have to bleed out of a southern orifice every month for a week or squeeze children out of their bodies. Plus coordinating outfits was a lot simpler and as a man, social pressures for worrying about wrinkles seemed almost nonexistent (even more so since he wore a mask—not that he had wrinkles—he wasn't _that_ old yet).

But it was still hard to be a man, Kakashi thought with a sigh as he felt a familiar tingle coil in the pit of his stomach.

'_This is ridiculous,'_ he told himself, lamenting over the seemingly-endless male sex drive that plagued his system.

Now, it wasn't that he didn't enjoy it—far from it, sex was an act he sought to perform whenever he could—but there were times when he wished it would stop for a moment; wished he could talk to his girlfriend over dinner without stripping her with his eyes and think about dessert; wished he wasn't thinking about sex constantly because this was getting ridiculous. For Kami's sake, he'd gotten a hard-on watching Sakura brush her teeth!

And it wasn't even about the toothbrush being some strange phallic symbol! (Though that was now mixed into his imagination now.) No, this all started out as Kakashi innocently noticing how much foam Sakura had around her mouth when she brushed her teeth. Of course, because of how polluted his mind was (maybe he should start cutting back on Icha Icha after all), white foam around her mouth translated into something else less innocent in his mind.

Standing behind her, Kakashi dropped his head down with a sigh. It was ridiculous of him to get horny over such a menial thing, but here he was, horny because he happened to be standing behind his girlfriend while she was brushing her teeth. Idly, he glared at the erection tenting his boxers, only for it to twitch as if pointing and pleading to its owner that it wasn't its fault and the true culprit lay at the end of its trajectory.

He dragged a hand over his face. He was getting so delusional he was using personification with body parts. Somewhere, deep within him, another part of his person decided this was a grave problem and he found himself inwardly nodding in agreement. This was a grave problem indeed.

Still, as he walked up behind the pink-haired medic and closed his hands about her waist, nipping at the curve of her neck and rubbing against her suggestively, he told himself it wasn't all bad as long as his girlfriend was here to remedy the situation.

* * *

A/N: Sorry about not updating any _Naruto_ stories lately. I've been bit by the _Legend of Korra_ bug and honestly, I am having such a hard time caring about _Naruto_ anymore because the story is honestly sucking like crazy and not even seeing my favorite characters is helping. I do have some good plot sheets though, mostly AU's, but it's something.

I'm halfway through my Tahnorra story, but if you think about it, it's the first multi-chaptered story I've done in a while and I'm trying to finish it soon. If I do, it'll be my first legitimate completed multi-chaptered story since my self-insert phase (because Temptation and Sea Foam are honestly overdressed oneshots in my opinion), and it's been good practice for getting back into writing. Who knows, this break may even make me love Naruto again.


	41. For the Birds

Title: For the Birds  
Genre: Humor  
Rating: Older T for bathroom humor/shenanigans?  
Word Count: 1,096  
Summary: Konoha suddenly has a bird problem which makes Sakura's life a bit more complicated.

Just my excuse to make Sasuke into a puffin and Neji into a sour-faced owl. Though honestly, this is just bringing up all those childhood traumas of me and birds making me their toilet.

* * *

"Kakashi, quit sulking in my bathroom," Sakura said as she leaned against the door.

From the opposite side, a faint sound of breathy frustration flew through the door. Other than that, there was no move to show that Kakashi was coming out anytime soon. Sighing, Sakura opened the door and looked down at the grey dove with bi-colored eyes sitting on the edge of her toilet.

"Do you need help?" she asked with a hint of annoyance and exasperation in her tone, hand resting on the doorknob as she looked down at her bathroom-hogging houseguest.

The dove bristled. "No," Kakashi cooed indignantly as he made what looked to be an attempt at a petulant pout with his beak, pulling into himself to roost angrily on her toilet seat when it failed.

Kakashi refused to meet her gaze. Frowning slightly, Sakura knelt down until she was eye-level with the angry ball of feathers, stroking her finger over its head as she gave a sympathetic look.

"It'll be alright. Tsunade's trying to find a cure. You'll see, you'll be back to normal and reading porn and terrorizing small children in no time," she assured, watching as Kakashi tried to retreat his head further into its gathered-up body. She sighed.

It all started a week ago when Konoha's water supply had been tampered with. They didn't know all the details yet, but apparently someone had laced the water with a potion that turned all the male shinobi into birds. Why birds and why only the male shinobi, no one quite understood, but questions of 'why?' were far from everyone's minds as the women and children of the village struggled to round up the large flock that suddenly appeared. Tsunade had to declare the village in a state of emergency and ordered for the capture of their servicemen-turned-birds with instructions that they be placed into the cares of their family if they had any, and into the care of the kunoichi of their teams if family couldn't be located.

Hence, the small dove on her toilet, in addition to the other single, orphaned males comprising Team 7 elsewhere in her house. Thankfully, Hinata volunteered to care for Naruto since Kiba was in the care of his sister and Shino was staying with his family as well, leaving her "free as a bird" so to speak to accept the flamboyantly-colored ramen-obsessed parrot into her keep and save Naruto from strangulation.

"Look on the bright side! At least you didn't turn into a vulture and become bald! And you're taking it a lot better than Sasuke," Sakura interjected. Sasuke, who became a puffin and also fell under her care, had taken up to brooding stormily over the indignation of such a form on the top of her bookshelf in the dining room. Besides refusing to come down—the jerk even demanded his meals to be served on the shelf—Sasuke, despite having the ability to do so, was refusing to talk and communicated only through a series of squawking grunts and pecking cue cards; so really, Kakashi was taking it a lot better.

And really, Kakashi was very lucky to turn into a dove rather than some other bird, and she was very lucky to only have to house Sasuke and Kakashi. Yamato was staying with another Anbu operative (Anbu tended to take care of their own), and Sai was staying at his apartment, requiring Sakura to only check-in every now and again.

It was very interesting to see how everyone turned out though. Neji, according to his caretaker, Tenten, had turned into a very sour-faced barn owl, while it seemed the rest of the Hyuuga family had become a veritable zoo of birds. Gai and Lee turned into twin peacocks while Chouji had turned into an ostrich and was running rampant though Ino's house while the rest of the Akimichi clan dealt with the other members of their family. Kiba had turned into a cockatoo and had taken to flying around the Inuzuka manor to escape their pursuing dogs; Sai had turned into a Canadian goose and while unable to paint, had taken to stepping into trays of paint and walking over paper to create designs; Genma found himself as a tiny quail.

Even the visiting Kazekage and his family had fallen prey to the tainted water; Kankuro had turned into a pelican while both he and Shikamaru turned into penguins, leaving his sister as acting Kazekage and brood-mother to her awkwardly-flailing flock until Tsunade found a cure.

"I'll take good care of you guys," Sakura assured gently, smiling at Kakashi leaned his head into the touch.

"Is she any closer to a breakthrough?" Kakashi asked quietly, peering up at her. The retained ability to speak seemed to appear randomly and it was a comfort in the midst of this chaos that she could still hear Kakashi's voice.

"She called me this morning to say there might be. She's testing it right now and she'll call later with the results," she explained in a low voice, "now are you ready to go?"

Kakashi cooed agitatedly. "Not yet. I'm not done," he explained, trying to maneuver on the porcelain as he stretched his talons over the wide rim of the seat, sliding precariously before he fussed and leaped back to the lip to get a better grip.

"Are you sure you don't want me to line your cage with newspaper?"

Kakashi thrashed his wings to show exactly what he thought of that. "I may be a bird, but I'm not going to stoop that low. Now turn around. You're giving me performance anxiety," he ordered.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "That didn't stop you from ruining Kato-san's jacket two days ago," she pointed out, but turned around nonetheless.

"She should've watched where she was sitting," Kakashi replied snootily, not exactly denying Sakura's claim. She wasn't surprised. It was a given in the village that the two had a restrained animosity towards each other.

Once he was finished, he went to wash up in the small basin of water she had set up for her guests while Sakura waited for him to finish, nose wrinkling slightly.

"I don't know how you can hit Kato's jacket, but miss a toilet. Men," she huffed gently, making a note to clean the bathroom later.

"Just for that comment, you might find a surprise on your vanity later," Kakashi quipped.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Don't give me ideas now," he said before flying to perch on the bar of his cage and tucking his wings in for a nap.


	42. Something Old

Title: Something Old  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/Drama  
Word Count: 1,505  
Summary: In which a kidnapping isn't really a kidnapping and ends in a wedding.

**A/N:** Inspired by a conversation with goldfishlover73 on the kakasaku livejournal community on one of my future projects. She made a comment about role-reversing Sakura as Hades and Kakashi as Persephone with Gai as Demeter, and madness ensued. This is what came out at the end.

Dedicated to goldfishlover73 who inspired this rule-63-eqsue Kakasaku adaptation of the Greek Myth of Hades and Persephone.

* * *

Dust kicked up as he plodded the empty road. The green of his toga was faded and uncommonly loose, a reflection of his soul probably.

Stooping to the ground, Gai stopped to cup the soil, watching it slip through his fingers into the embrace of the heartless zephyrs around him. The shriveled remains of a wheat stalk tangled in his fingers. His domain was in tatters, arid and barren, reflecting the feelings beating within his heart. Around the world, he heard the cries of the starving, the aged mothers and hungry crying babes; however, he steeled his heart against them. Though it wounded him to hear their sorrows, nothing could match the wound inflicted upon his soul.

Throwing the wheat stalk down, Gai dropped to his knees and threw his arms up supplicant towards the sky.

"Oh Lady Tsunade, ruler of all that is just and right, if you are truly deserving of your youth, why will you not help me in the search for my beautiful son?! I know he is difficult at times, but merciful Zeus, you defy your domain by not giving me aid. To sit by while a family is in upheaval defies the order to which you govern. Tis not youthful!" he sobbed, pounding the dirt for good measure.

A distant part of him realized he was courting danger. Lady Tsunade's temper was not one to trifle with (her lightning strikes were met with deadly accuracy), but what else could a grieving parent do? He had only taken his eyes off of Kakashi for a second when they were relaxing in the field, and the next thing he knew, his son had been stolen by Hades, never to be seen again.

He had begged for help from his fellow gods, but none dared venture into the realm of the Underworld, and now he wandered the world looking for his son alone with nary a friend. Meanwhile, the world was suffering a famine unlike any it had ever seen, and while it was indeed cruel to punish the world for the unfeeling behavior of his brothers and sisters, he could not bring himself to do anything else. Abandoned by his family, he could not help but abandon the world until his son was found.

He could only imagine what his son was going through: cold, scared, and as alone as he was in the underworld. No light could reach him. His little ball of sunshine and spring would wither away, and it was enough to send Gai into another wave of uncontrollable sobbing.

Or it would have if the ground hadn't begun shaking and the sun shrank from his view.

'_**MERCIFUL HEAVENS, I HAVE TESTED LADY TSUNADE TOO MUCH AT LAST!'**_ He threw himself at the ground, cowering. He only prayed that his death would be short—as he knew that the gods had a wicked humor unbefitting their youth.

But the bolt of electricity never came. What was thrown instead was a rather tall, gangly body.

"I believe this is yours," a high female voice announced with annoyance. Eyes focusing, Gai spied the familiar form of his son righting himself. Tears pricked his eyes.

"My youthful son! My eternal spring of joy!" he wept, hugging his son before training his eyes on the petite pink-haired goddess sharing the road. In the back of his mind, Gai wondered how strange it was that the mortals' depiction of the god of death could be so far from the source. Then again, they seemed to have switched all the genders of the gods to begin with, so perhaps he would have to simply forgive their mistakes. Tsunade certainly did.

"You! My dear sister Sakura, how could you wound me so? How dare you take my son? How dare you kidnap my little ball of spring and sunshine and light?!" he roared.

"Hey, don't pin this on me! I found your son sneaking around my domain!" she snapped. "One minute, I'm in the middle of a board meeting, and next thing I know, your 'ball of sunshine' comes sailing in from the ceiling and lands on the entertainment. Those were important people I had at the meeting, and I needed them happy. Do you know how hard it is to get people like that to laugh? They're all a bunch of stiffs!"

Her arms flew up in complaint, fingers pointing accusingly at the cause of all her supposed-misery. The color of his toga fading back to its pale, worn green, he turned a horrified eye back to his son.

"Oh my youthful son, rose of my breast, say it isn't so! Please, bounty of my loins and joy of my soul, tell me this isn't so! And—" His eyes bulged in horror, steady hands patting Kakashi's face fretfully. "Oh, what happened to your beautiful hair?!" he wept.

On the side of the road, Sakura struggled to take the scene in. "I thought you were kidding about the whole over-dramatic 'fruit-of-my-loins, eternal-spring-of-my-joy' thing," she cringed, nose scrunching in disgust as the waterworks sprouting from Demeter's eyes somehow managed to increase even further.

"Gai, my hair has always been this color." Kakashi sighed and patiently bore the clingy, moist hands pressing upon his face and person as best he could. At the familiar sticky sensation of tears and mucus soaking his toga, his shoulders sagged a little in defeat and an exasperated hand touched his face. "This kind of behavior is precisely why I ran away in the first place."

The complaint was spoken off-hand, but it might as well have been a dagger steeped in the poison that stole mighty Hercules from his surface. His hand clutched his chest. "Kakashi, you can't mean that. It's not youthful!"

"He does. He ran to my domain precisely because he knew you'd never be able to touch him there. You or anyone else," Sakura sighed before leveling a biting stare at the silver-haired man.

"_And _when he found out I was dragging him back to you, the little brat stole my breakfast and ate it! Now, because of some anachronistic rules (and some other stuff that happened), we're married and I'm stuck with him for a third of the year. Congratulations, your son is now a blushing bride," she intoned, earning her a disapproving glare from her new spouse. Of course, that look was soon overshadowed by yet another display of impressive waterworks as Gai decried the loss of Persephone, his only son.

The display was soon forgotten though as Sakura began to walk away from the scene. After all, there was still work to be done and Gai's little stunt meant more souls to be added, sorted, and placed in their respective places in the underworld. Her minions were already working overtime, and a hasty return seemed to be the best course.

As she stepped away, Kakashi joined her, perhaps as a gesture of spousal affection, or simply as an excuse to escape his father. Gently, his hand steered her further down the road.

"You know you owe me indefinitely now, right? First you steal my breakfast and now, you've saddled me with a mother-in-law from Tartarus. This was not what I had in mind when I woke up this morning. I hadn't been expecting to marry for a few more centuries, if at all," she remarked.

Beside her, Kakashi shrugged, nonplussed. Being indebted to Sakura was not something he particularly minded. After all, she was saving him from spending a full 365-day year with his overbearing father, and the fact that Kakashi chose death over that kind of fate was not lost on them. If anything, Sakura was now more sympathetic having met her exhausting new in-law. Of course, the drawback was that it now emphasized just how indebted to her he really was.

Hand drifting from her shoulder to the small of her back, he leaned down to be level with her ear, "I'll do that thing you like when I get back to the Underworld."

"You'll do _all_ those things I like," she challenged. Kakashi pressed a kiss to her brow, the hint of a smile on his lips. "Done."

"Until the fallow season then. I'll be waiting, Kakashi," Sakura called over her shoulder, her vibrant green eyes flashing with a promise from under thick lashes. Then, raising her arm, the pink-haired woman plunged her fist to the ground, rock and earth splitting beneath her hand as she stepped into the darkness below.

Then, as quickly as it came, the hole disappeared and the earth slammed shut behind her. Despite having seen it for himself, Gai blinked disbelievingly at the only trace of Sakura's descent, a thin crack in the soil.

"My sister is…what a way to go," he breathed in awe.

Kakashi, also staring at the crack in the ground, clapped a hand on his father's shoulder. "Sakura is certainly fond of the dramatic exit," he agreed before steering them both towards Mount Olympus. There was news to be shared, after all.


End file.
